No one's perfect

Today, I'm taking solace in something Maya Angelou once said and I thought I'd share it here:

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes-it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all.

Journal, it's just you and me; let's make this work

I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry for that. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed and so I don't feel compelled to write. And in a few other ways, there have been subtle shifts in my mindset that I want to expore, but can't find the words in which to do so. But with a night alone and my grading done, I thought I'd give it a try.


A quick health update goes something like this: I started physical therapy just before Thanksgiving and while I know it will help in the long run, I am not seeing results as of yet. Unless you call discomfort and soreness a result. I had my second steroid epidural block a week and a half ago. It seemed to be helping on days one and two, but Sunday I suffered a setback and the last few days have been a mixture of feeling sort of okay and hurting so much that I just want to be very still - only lying down is also uncomfortable. This whole process is so frustrating, not only because my body is consistently failing me, but because it is a non-visible injury that continues to impede everything I do (the non-visible part comes into play b/c I feel like people think I am "better" and don't get why I am still taking time off, being slow and tired, etc). I am exhausted at the end of each day and if the pain is too great, I don't sleep well (the last few nights being excellent examples) so I am also tired during the following day. It is hard to find the energy needed to be a good teacher when you feel like you need to devote all of your energy to just functioning through the day. It's just making me irritated and sad.

Work is also irritating and sad. There is some conversation amongst adults, but pretty much everyone is in their own worlds just trying to make it through. Or, at least, that's my perception, which might be colored by the fact that I'm not around as much as usual. Still, it's not a very fun place to be right now. And, with seven school days left until winter break, the kids aren't making it any easier. Today, when I was redirecting my sixth period (seventh graders) one student said, "Well, you get paid even if we don't learn, so..." It was heart-wrenching, but it also makes me wonder. Do they actually perceive teachers as adults just sticking it out to collect the money? Or do they know that's a weak spot for really dedicated teachers (like the ones at my school) and use lines like that to push on the weak spot, hoping it will break? Or did they just say it, not even thinking about what it means? Either way, the answer's a sad one.

I don't know. I think a break will help. I think going back to Chicago for Christmas will help. I think going to Madison in January will help. I think having time to myself to think about things and figure out what I want and where I'm at will make a difference. To be clear, it's not like I'm depressed or even really sad. More than anything I just feel the urge to yell out loud. Taken all together, my life is really great, but the feeling I'm getting from it right now is not such a good one. More than anything, I think this current funk is a storm I need to weather. So I continue to duck my head and push on - all the while trying to keep good perspective on it all.

Thanks Giving

I was going to blog about the stresses in my life, but I decided to delete that entry and, in honor of the holiday and the season it ushers in, I thought I would focus on the positive and post the things I am thankful for (without commentary - recognize how hard that was for me). It's a list both serious and lighthearted, but it is all true.

This year, I am thankful for (in ABC order):

• Brian
• cable tv
• college sports
• coworkers who care
• Dad's happy retirement
• Date Lab in The Washington Post
• days off
• fall season
• gourmet food shops
• happy hours
• health insurance
• Kara and Chris living down the road
• lazy weekend mornings
• Lindsey's visit
• the love of my family
• marathon phone calls with Maggie
• Mom's good health
• peppermint hot chocolate
• Rachel's blog
• regular manicures
• roommate emails
• savings accounts
• sneakers
• supportive, loving, loyal friends
• weekly dinners with Elizabeth

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving: the family; friends; food; football and relaxation.

In short

I am sorry it has been so long between posts. I wish I had an exciting reason, like I was jet-setting around the globe and couldn't find the time or I was backpacking through the mountains with no Internet access, but the truth is much less glamorous. My average, day-to-day life has just been pretty overwhelming of late, but with it being more of the same, I don't feel the urge to talk about it. Still, I know an update is long overdue, so here it is, in short.

1. My back, which went out over a month ago, was diagnosed as two herniated discs in my lower spine. This week I went to a pain management clinic and had anti-inflammatory steroids injected into the area via an epidural. It was the most uncomfortable and painful (without there being PAIN pain) five minute procedure of my life. But now, two days later, while I still can't bend over, crouch down or twist without discomfort, I can move around a lot easier, sit for a lot longer and sleep a lot better. Physical therapy starts soon and lasts 6-8 weeks and there may be 1-2 more epidural blocks in my near future, but the hope is that I'll be back to nearly 100% by the new year. Here's hoping...
2. My sister came to visit last week. She got in Wednesday night and stayed through Sunday afternoon. It was, as always, wonderful to see her and hang out. When I met her at the airport there were HUGE smiles and big hugs and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of jumping for joy. She also came to school with me on Thursday and since she has been before (and since she is so cool - what with the technicolor hair and all) she has developed a bit of a following. It was fun to watch.
3. Jeff was also in town last week, for almost the same time period as my sister. We hung out Friday night and Saturday afternoon and it was good to see him again. It's nice to spend time with people who knew you in another life. I'm thrilled with the person I am now and wouldn't change much in my current life, but it's always nice to get to slip back into a totally different past life. Plus, it's nice to see my college friends, any of them, growing comfortable with their adult selves. If any of that makes any sense at all, then points to you.
4. Work is crazy, emotional, intense and hard. My seniors are mostly awesome and I have grown, as always, to love my relationships with them (even if they aren't as close as they have been in the past). My seventh graders are killing me, but I'm not giving in just yet. If they want to fight me, I have no intention of backing down. There have been more reflections and referrals this week than in the last six weeks combined, but I feel okay about that. I slacked a bit while I was feeling really down and I am paying for it now, but, come hell or high water, we will get things back in gear by Winter Break. Just in time to relearn it all again in the new year. ::sigh:: Other than the kids, the adults at work are stressful too. It's such an emotionally taxing job and there have been so many changes and there are so many women and it's all just boiling over right now. People were literally in tears at our last professional development session. You can all probably guess how much I loved that. Anyway, I'm still thinking about and looking for other employment opportunities. If you think of anything great, let me know; I'm all ears at this point.
5. I'm not going home for Thanksgiving this year. I am sad about that, especially since I didn't get to make it back for my uncle's funeral last month (I was confined to bed b/c of my back that week), but I know it's for the best. One, two 2-hour flights in the span of 3-4 days would not be great for my back. Two, travel with that little turn-around time is rough (as witnessed when I went back last year). And three, flights for Thanksgiving are EXPENSIVE and I'm already spending $250 for Christmas and another $300 for Brian and I to fly to Madison for Dave's wedding in January. Still, it will be sad to not be with my family and I know my grandma wants me to be there. Luckily, Thanksgiving with Brian's rather large family will keep me occupied (and entertained) enough to enjoy what is one of my favorite holidays. Hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving as well.

Maybe there's more, but I actually think that covers most of it for now. And I should probably do some prep for my upcoming classes (although I did a lot last night, lest you think I have become one of those teachers). Have a very happy week's end and enjoy what is looking to be a true late-fall weekend (at least here in DC)!

Sterility takes time

Do you how long it takes to disinfect four buildings, including two dormitories? Me neither, but it must be a pretty long time. Kids went home last night and aren't coming back until Sunday night. Staff has to be back for previously scheduled professional development Friday. It's like a mini-fall break! Sweet.

Happy staph day

No error in the title. A student at school was diagnosed with a staph infection (there's been an outbreak in our area) so they sent the kids home tonight and are disinfecting everything tomorrow. Can't even get onto campus tomorrow. Don't have to tell me twice.

In the loop

Just a quick update and then back to grading...

I got my MRI results on Friday and it turns out that I have a herniated disc in my lower back. I have to get lumbar xrays and go see a neurologist about the next course of action. The options include physical therapy, steroid injections and/or surgery. Unfortunately, that appointment isn't for another two weeks so, for now, the course of action seems to involve a lot of bed rest, a little time with the heating pad and a refill on my pain medication. But I am feeling better; I was at work Tues-Fri and while I was exhausted come Friday, it was important to go back. I imagine the next few weeks will be awfully rough, but I'm hopeful things will be better soon. We'll just have to wait and see I suppose.

Other than that, not a whole lot is going on here. The weekend has been incredibly relaxing and fun; a lot of time lounging around, reading, laughing and watching tv. And this morning there were pancakes (yum!). Having fun plans, going out on the weekend, etc is always nice, but there is something special (and good) about doing nothing for two whole days. Hope you're enjoying yours as well.

on the mend

First, I must wish my friend Chris a belated happy birthday. Chris, I hope you had a wonderful time celebrating last weekend and I wish you only the best this upcoming year. You're an intelligent, thoughtful and considerate person who deserves to see his dreams realized. Happy birthday, Chris!

Also, let me wish Stephanie a happy birthday a little early. It sounds like things are going really well for you and I hope that continues (and then some) in this next year. Have a great time celebrating! Happy birthday, Steph - you're a true girl genius!

The title refers to me. A week ago I left work early because of back pain. By that night, Brian was calling an ambulance to get me to an emergency room because I couldn't stand without nearly passing out from the pain. I spent over twelve hours in the ER (Brian was with me for nine of them, G-d bless him) and was finally admitted for bed rest, heavy medicating and IV antibiotics. The diagnosis? An infection the doctors thought was gone, wasn't and in a completely separate event, my lower back was in full rebellion. It was awful. I was discharged on Sunday and have spent the whole week on bed rest. Things are a little better today and I'm hoping I can be back at work on Monday. It's going to be a low key weekend though, that's for sure.

Brian has been amazing through all of this. He was at the hospital all of the time, even though he was exhausted, he talked with doctors and nurses when I couldn't and he has taken wonderful care of me now that I'm home. When I say bed rest I mean nearly no movement at all. I really had to depend on him (way more than I would be comfortable with) and he never stopped being right there for me. I am an exceptionally blessed woman. Note: this photo is from when my folks came to visit and we took them to Mount Vernon. I know it's mean to tease you with a photo where you can't see his face, but it's the only one I got approval to share (and he still might not like that I'm posting it here, but I love this photo, so it'll be okay).

Also going on this week is that my uncle passed away last week and his funeral is today. I was supposed to fly home Wednesday night, but bed rest also equals no flying. It's been hard enough being stuck in bed, but doubly hard knowing what my family's going through and not being able to be there. Still, the closure is important and much needed for everyone and we were blessed to have nearly a whole extra year with him. It's important to keep all that in mind.

That's probably all for now. Typing puts my hands in an awkward position so I think I'm going to give it (and myself) a rest. Happy weekend, all!

Never ceases to amaze...

How can a president who approved of last week's additional $42.3 billion request for the war effort (bringing the total 2008 budget to $190 billion) turn around this week and veto a $30 billion children's health care initiative, saying it is too expensive?! And don't give me some spiel about long term versus short term spending and entitlements - I know all of that.

Bush says the health insurance iniative passed by Congress would amount to socialized medicine and that people would take advantage of the government program even if they could afford private coverage. (Never mind the quality of socialized medicine and how unattractive of an option that could be for most people.) How about we worry less about the miniscule number of people who might abuse the system and more about the 6 million children who could benefit from this program? The Bush administration has also said that this act strays too far from its intended mission of helping the poor. What? Because it also helps lower middle class families whose children are un- or under-insured? Yeah, better not stray that far. How about we see its intent as providing nearly 6 million children in this country with health insurance? Could be a neat way to look at things.

I know that, all things considered, I am more socialist than most, but really...this is just ridiculous. We are funneling hundreds of billions of dollars into what is essentially a money pit of our own making and we can't find the money to care for our own citizens? (Also, the money for this program would come from an increased cigarette tax, thank you very much.) I continue to worry about the state of our nation's priorities. I pray I'm not the only one.

quickly...a list

1. My parents had a great time in town this weekend. We ate lots of good food, walked at least a thousand miles and laughed tons. Brian was awesome and spent the whole weekend with us (including five hours at Mount Vernon). My parents, of course, think he is great and were glad to finally meet him. I have some photos that I'll work on adding to my Facebook album and more specific stories, if you're interested, but overall things went well and it was wonderful to spend so much time with them.
2. Sunday night Brian and I went to the VH1 Hip Hop Honors tour - MC Lyte, Big Daddy Kane and the Roots. Maybe the best show I have ever seen. Maybe not. Either way, it was so much fun. Seriously. One of the few shows where I didn't space out and start thinking about other things, even if I didn't hone the tunnel vision that Brian has mastered so well (for instance, I couldn't help but notice the woman filming promos for VH1 during the show).
3. Left work early yesterday. Sick again. Went to the doctor, got the same advice as before and I'll get a full report from the tests they ran on Wednesday. So we'll see. I got home from the doctor at 3:40p and slept from 4:30-5:30 and then passed out again at 10p. I didn't even notice that Brian came to bed. Feeling more rested, but still out of sorts a bit this morning. It's doubly irritating b/c I feel badly, but I look fine so no one has any sympathy for me. Not that I need sympathy, but you understand my point...I think.

That's all for this morning. I have to go get ready for teaching now. Have a good one!

"That sounds like a bad horror movie..."

The title references my coworker (and classroom-mate) Bill's reaction to my description of last night. I told him my story when he commented that I looked particularly exhausted and asked if my eyes were swollen. He was right on both counts.

Last night I slept at my apartment - the one on which I pay rent - and I went to bed around 11p. It had been a pretty easy night, but it's been a long couple of days at work so I was asleep by 11:05p at the latest. About an hour later I woke up and had no idea what was going on. Once I was fully awake, I realized every part of my body that was outside of my bedsheet was itchy. Seriously, I was clawing at my arms, my face and my neck as I woke up, but I didn't realize it right away. I stumbled out of bed and down to the bathroom where I found five welts - one on each arm, one below my left browbone, one above my right eye and one in the center of my neck. Given the size and scope of the reaction I knew they were spider bites. Awesome.

It took me two hours to get back to sleep, in part because I was waiting for the Benadryl to kick in and in part because I was paranoid about being bitten again. So around 2:30 in the morning I finally succumbed to exhaustion, but when the alarm went off at 6:30 I hopped out of bed, only too glad to get away from that place. This morning the swelling has gone down somewhat (can't see the bite on my left arm and the one on my neck looks like a normal bite), although my eyelids are still pretty swollen and there is a large red pathc surrounding the bite on my right arm. I'm pretty well doped up on Benadryl and plan to stay this way all day. I'm hoping the toxins work their way out sometime soon.

Anyway, thought I would share. Happy hump day, kids!

Perspective

Sometimes things happens to give you some much needed perspective on life. Things at work still aren't awesome, but some good things are happening. I think I will have a hard decision to make about next year, but it is a while off so I'm trying not to stress about it much. My living situation is still moderately unstable, but it is mostly working for me at the moment. I don't know - it seems that just when I start to get my feet under me, things get all shaken up again. I suppose it is possible that I do it to myself, but I really don't think that's what's going on here. That all being said, I know that I am incredibly blessed with a lot of really amazing things in my life so I'm trying hard to keep those at the front of my mind.



My parents will be in DC in less than a week! They have already submitted their "to do" list and it mostly full of things I will really enjoy: Mt Vernon, Annapolis, Eastern Market, etc. Mostly, though, I am excited to see them and spend time with them. My family is incredibly close, but we manage to be so without talking much in our day to day lives. It's not something I think about, but it's true. So it will be nice to get to spend a few days with them. Speaking of my parents, this adorable photo of them is from a summer visit with my mom's family that my sister shared with me. Are they not just about the cutest couple ever?! (Also, I was incredibly relieved to see that they are no longer wearing matching outfits to events...)


I need to get going - today is a half day so my whirlwind is starting a bit earlier. Who's ready to teach four classes back to back in 2 hours and 20 minutes? With only 4 minutes to get from room to room? Not me, but here I go nonetheless. Happy Friday, all!

Striving for balance

With two weeks of the new school year behind me, I am finding myself thinking about a career change. This isn't first-year, "this is so hard, I don't know what to do" thinking, this is a whole new feeling. It is more than possible that things will change as the year progresses, but mostly I'm just not getting the same feeling of satisfaction from my job. My students are fine this year and even the ones who seem like they might be a challenge don't worry me much; I'm confident that I can handle it at this point. I don't know exactly what's going on, but I know I'm not happy. I know that I don't really feel like I belong and that it is more than just not having a classroom of my own. I know that while I love interacting with my students, I don't really feel like I am really making a difference anymore. I am tired of always struggling to find any hint that what I am doing is producing results. I never thought teaching was my life-long career and I recently read a study that said urban teachers burn out after three years - this is year four for me - but I also don't think I am ready to abandon urban education altogether. So, the question becomes, what does all of this mean for me? It's a big question to grapple with and one I don't think I'll have an answer for soon.

In other news, I have a new roommate. Sarah moved to DC last Wednesday night and she starts work one week from today. I stayed at the apartment Wednesday night and we made a trip to Target on Friday, but I feel a little bad. When I asked her to move in with me it was late May and, at that point, I was still at the apartment more nights than not. After coming back from California, I have spent all of one night at the apartment and now, when I'm completely honest with myself, I don't really like the idea of not staying at Brian's. It's not that there is anything wrong with the apartment, there are certain charms to it, for sure. And it's not that I don't like living in the city, in fact I never imagined myself living anywhere else. It's not that I don't want to hang out with Sarah; I'm excited that she is in DC and I think we'll have a lot of fun hanging out. In the end, I think that what it all comes down to is that after this summer, I am not really satisfied going back to seeing Brian a few nights a week and then on the weekends, which is what happens because we're both pretty busy people. But for now I exist in this weird gray area and I struggle with how to better define it, if it all. Mostly I just try to roll with it and have faith that things will work out for the best. Even if I am not sure how that is, exactly.

I was able to make a Target run with Sarah on Friday afternoon because I took a sick day to go to the doctor. I was at the doctor for about an hour while they ran some tests trying to figure out why I'm feeling so run down and stuff. I went the week before, but the tests only gave some inconclusive hints that I had an infection so I had to return. I considered taking a half day, but since I wasn't sure how long it would take and I'm not totally feeling work anyway, I just took the whole day. In the end, I got another round of antibiotics and we'll see. It seems that the new "back to school" tradition for me is to get pretty sick. Not so great.

But all is not wrong in my world, so fear not. My folks are coming to visit in a few weeks and I am so excited to see them. I am looking forward to spending time with them and talking with them about the things going on at work, etc. I also really want them to meet Brian and for Brian to meet them; I'm a little nervous about that, but, when I'm realistic, I know it will be good. My sister is also coming to visit, although that is not until November, but will still be wonderful. As much as I feel at home out here, I do miss my family an awful lot. It's just nice to be able to talk with people who have always known you, who know how you think and who don't hesitate to call you out when you're being ridiculous (which I sort of worry that I am). Also, I had a really good weekend, which is nice. Brian and I checked out a new restaurant - not so great, but we laughed a lot; I had a great time babysitting on Saturday afternoon; we went to a soccer game at the Naval Academy yesterday - it was a beautiful day to sit by the bay and watch soccer; and there was so much time spent just lounging and watching football, movies, etc. Can't ask for much more, really.

I promised myself I would not blog past the end of first period and that is coming up shortly. My goal was to purge my mind somewhat and then spend second period really prepping for the week, etc. I should probably get on that then. Happy Monday, all.

In short

Back to school today. I always get nervous. I always tell myself not to. I always laugh later at how silly I was to be nervous about the first day; the kids are cowed and sleepy. Still, one corrective teaching interaction is one more than usual on day one. And no growth year kids until tomorrow. Still, first day of school is under my belt. Let the craziness commence.

Dogsitting is over. Thank goodness. In theory, I love dogs. In practice, they are too energetic, too dependent and too messy for me. Still it wasn't so bad and the pay was great. Plus, the house was fun to live in for a week. So, there's that.

My folks are coming to visit in a month. I haven't seen them since July and I'm excited. My dad's coming to school with me one day. I think that will be fun.

My apartment no longer feels like home. That's strange for me. New roommate in ten days. Maybe that will help.

Time for assembly; happy Monday!

This and that and then some

Hello! Sorry for not posting in nearly a month. I have no excuse other than to say that I really did not have much to post about. And even now that I do have a lot to post about, I'm posting more to let you know I'm alive than anything else. So, let's get going, eh?

I got back from LA safe and sound. I learned on my flight back that there is an acceptable amount of fuel leakage on transcontinental flights. For the record, it is much higher than I was comfortable with, but those airplane mechanics must know more than I bc we made it back in one piece.

The first week back I made up for all the sleep I'd missed out on in the past year. I would wake up just enough to say good bye to Brian as he left for work and then I would roll back over and sleep for another couple of hours. It was pure bliss. Again, didn't do much. Read a few books (still not HP, so don't ruin it for me!), bummed around Annapolis/DC/etc, caught up on the Food Network, indulged in Restaurant Week - you know, important things.

My apartment had been powerwashed and repainted while I was away so I came back to a shiny new building and a dirty, bug-infested bedroom (since my room faces the street, all the crap from the building got pushed in via the powerwashing). I spent the better part of the first week back getting my management company to take care of it. And even though I have not spent a single night in the apartment since I returned from my seminar, victory has never tasted so sweet.

The administration at my school changed while I was away. This was something I knew was happening, but I still came back to a handful of surprises which included a new schedule (I was slated to teach ninth grade world history instead of seventh grade Civics) and a new classroom (I was moved out of the classroom I have had for my entire three years and into a shared rooming situation, which requires me to teach my four classes in three different rooms). I was able to reinstate my schedule as it was set before I left for California (same as the past three years), but it was an endeavor that left me not feeling so great about the start of the year. As the year gets under way (we are just over halfway through 2 weeks of training), I am struggling with how to interact with the new administration, how to re-establish myself as a leader, how to figure out when to fight the system and when to just let things be. I know this will be a meaningful learning experience for me, but I am hoping that it can also be a positive one.

My roles for the upcoming school year? Teach three courses each semester, continue as a behavior management coach, continue to mentor and co-plan with the "new" Civics teacher, oversee the implementation of interim assessments in the social studies department, and facilitate/lead the middle school academic team. Oh, and I have been asked to coach debate, although the jury is still out on that one.

This week marks six months since Brian and I first went out and I continue to shake my head at how normal and adult of a relationship it is. Really, things are so great. You have to remember kids, this is me we're talking about. I'm not sure I can remember the last time I was in a relationship that wasn't plagued by some kind of drama (whether internal or external). The ease of it all, the comfort and all of the great things that come with being with him is something that makes me pretty damn pleased. Since coming back from California, there have been a lot of changes to deal with and even still I realize that not only am I content living out here and happy with my life as it is now, but that I cannot imagine wanting any other life at the moment. And that I think I'd like to keep this going for a good long while. It was startling for me bc this life is not really quite what or where I'd pictured, but, no matter how stressed and overwhelmed I am by work at the moment, overall I'm happy and that's more than enough right now.

Now...back to unit planning.

Constitutional boot camp: Day Twenty

Except for dinner and a closing breakfast, my National Academy experience is over. Finished. Complete. It ended with a short concluding lecture, which I had trouble focusing on, and a series of small group panel presentations.

My group chose to write a new creedal affirmation for the United States. I was pretty proud of our work - not only the content, but the way in which we completed it. In fact, in the midst of polishing our paper last night I bounced a little on the couch and said, "My inner geek is pretty excited." Of course, one of my group members replied with, "Yeah, we can really tell" (clearly he missed the bounce). The paper is pretty great, if I do say so myself, and the presentation went very well. Our professor and the preceptors (like TAs) applauded us for radically redefining citizenship and for creating an affirmation that allows any member of the community to identify themselves within. We got some pretty solid feedback, which made me proud. I have struggled these three weeks with the thought that I do not actively participate. I don't ask many questions and I don't share my ideas unless they have not already been explained by someone else and I wondered if I was coming across in the wrong light. I was glad for this opportunity to participate more actively without having to pretend to be someone I am not.

I was walking away from the presentation - back to my seat - feeling pretty proud of myself when our professor made eye contact with me. Let me preface this by saying while I didn't always agree with him, I think our professor is one of the most intelligent, thoughtful people I have ever known. Anyway, as I walked past him he reaches up and stops me (he was sitting at the "judges" table) and says something like, "Really good distinction you made during the question and answer period. Very clear and direct. You have a very sharp analysis of complex ideas. Nice work." I think I floated back to my seat. Seriously.

I'm a huge geek. I understand this.

So, the class was amazing. The whole experience was amazing. I'm not sure I could even find the words to describe what it has meant for me to be here. Right now, though, I am focused on getting through dinner, the night (I could barely sleep at all last night) and tomorrow. Just think, after twenty-five days away, I will be home in twenty-seven hours. That is a pretty wonderful feeling.

Things to remember as it all comes to an end

I think these are important for me to keep in mind. The last push is always the hardest...

1. The big end-of-seminar group project is more than halfway done.
2. For as much as I have been less social than many, I am in this program with some pretty great people - they are intelligent, funny, friendly, helpful and kind.
3. Might actually have some down time tonight.
4. My boyfriend takes excellent care of me.
5. Three days until I am home.

Bah

I am cranky, but I don't even know what I'm so cranky about. I feel overwhelmed, but I don't know what it is that is particularly overwhelming. The seminar is losing its lustre and it shouldn't be. We're talking about interesting theory this week (focusing on constitutional interpretation) and we have a big group project going down in the afternoons, so what is my problem? I hate when this happens, when you're run down and cranky and on the edge for no discernible reason. If I can't rationalize through it, I don't like it. And I don't like this, any of it, one bit.

Why my professor is great: Reason #47

In an explanation of one of the nineteen end-of-seminar paper/hearing topics, he included the following warning: "steer clear of Winston Churchill's thoughtlessly and oft-quoted bromide* about democracy being a very bad form of government, but better than all others - a statement too clever by a factor of minus-two."

Also, as an aside, if my neck goes this week, in addition to my back, I'm giving up and trading this body in for something a little more reliable. Five more nights on the vinyl-covered, foam mattress...I can handle this. I hope.

*a bromide is a trite remark; a cliche

Lazy Saturday

As many of you know, a good portion of my adult, post-college life was spent alone. I lived alone in Milwaukee, not knowing anyone. I lived with my folks in Chicago for awhile without really reconnecting with any friends. Even in DC, I spent a lot of time at night and on the weekends, just being by myself. The thing is, I never really disliked this. It would have been easy to change and it's not like I didn't - or don't - have friends I could have easily spent time with. Used to be that I sort of relished the solitary life and, even when it wore on me, I always knew how to be by myself. I'm talking about real solitude - just you and your thoughts. The first weekend here I was a wreck and subsequently things got better, but even still, on some of the nights I have been at a loss for what to do once my reading was done. Had I forgotten how to be alone?

Nah.

This morning, I got up at 8 (having gotten in around 230a), had breakfast, chatted with Laura (my roommate at the Academy) and then, around 10a, went back to bed. Since re-awakening at 1145a, I have had some quality alone time. It seems that everyone from the Academy has vacated for the day and so this part of campus is very quiet. I sat on the bluff for an hour or so, reading The Federalist and staring blankly at the mountains. Then, after eight papers (more than enough for one sitting), I walked around campus and talked with my sister. I stopped at the campus store and the ATM and then I took my thoughts for a walk through the parts of campus I had not yet seen. It was nice to meander down paths with no real destination and mull over a variety of thoughts about my life, the content of this course, etc. And, as I made my way back to the apartment, I realized that I am still quite capable of being alone and enjoying it.

Now I'm excited to curl up in a chair (my back's bothering me so "curl" is probably not quite accurate) with skittles and diet pepsi and watch SWAT on my laptop (it was $5 at the bookstore - no more XMen 3). Then, perhaps I'll tackle the remaining three Federalist papers, before calling Brian, taking a shower and having dinner with Christine - a former SEED teacher who's out this way now. Should be good times.

Constitutional boot camp: Day thirteen

A series of short musings

Executive privilege
The Bush administration recently announced that Congress has no power to force a U.S. attorney to pursue contempt charges in the prosecutor firings cases, since the president has declared that testimony or documents related to that are protected from release by executive privilege. A person in the Bush administration was quoted saying, "It has long been understood that, in circumstances like these, the constitutional prerogatives of the president would make it a futile and purely political act for Congress to refer contempt citations to U.S. attorneys."

I disagree.

To me, this is a pretty broad interpretation of executive privilege, one that can easily be abused now and in the future. Plus, I am not sure that the "constitutional prerogatives of the president" include ducking investigation into what could be a pretty legitimate, and serious, case. I'm pretty sure the "prerogative" given to the president in the Constituion does not include anything, in word or spirit, along the lines of "you (and your undefined privilege) trump all."

In fact, and here's where this seminar comes into play, John Locke argues that it is the legislative that dominates and all others are subordinate to it. The PEOPLE can change, alter or abolish the legislative, but as long as government exists, it remains the dominant force. Given that much of our foundation comes from Mr. Locke, this is something worth considering.

The Anti-Federalists believed that power needed to be blocked up because, if it was not, it would flow, like water, wherever it wanted until it met an impediment. They were talking about this more in the context of the need for a bill of rights, but, again, I think it is a thought worth considering.

Not in my name
I have taught the very basic philosophy of Thomas Hobbes to my students for as long as I have been teaching, but I have never had a very solid understanding of his theories. The basic gist is that Hobbes believed that without government, life would be every man against every man. And not only that it would, but that we would have a right to whatever we needed (need being defined only by the individual) and to get it by any means necessary. Since this is no way to live, Hobbes argued that men would agree to give up some of their powers (NOT their rights) to live in a community where there was more guarantee of peace and stability - the formation of a social contract. And even though he believes man to be a nasty, brutish creature, Hobbes is truly committed to peace and a better life. Hence the social compact mentioned above.

In laying out the foundation of this social compact, Hobbes talks of the people as authors of the community's Laws (based on fundamental rights) and the government as actors of those intentions. Therefore, following Hobbes' argument, whatever the government does is done in the name of the people. It is then the government's responsibility to re-present the people accurately.

I don't even have commentary for this. Just let it sit with you for awhile.

The BIG question
What does it mean to live well with other people in a society?

My professor posed this as the big question all political theorists grapple with and he suggested that, as a society, it is the one we should be grappling with as well. Think about how the world might be different if this was the fundamental idea around which our education system was based. I know we say we exist to teach students how to be a part of the community, but do we really explore what that means in any depth? I don't think so, although I don't fault teachers and schools for that really. There is only so much you can do, really, when trying to get the test scores up, meet the standards, make them college/job ready, etc, etc, ad nauseum. I'm not sure how much I can do with this in my own classroom, but I know that, at the very least, this will be the big question I have in my room from day one and I will try, as much as I can to refer back to it. Because, for me, when it comes right down to it, this is the most important knowledge my students can gain.

Wrap-up
We are well past the midway point of this seminar and I cannot even express in words how much I have learned. Not only about the material, but about myself - as a colleague, a friend, a learner, etc. This is truly an experience I will never forget. That being said, I am ready for next week to be done. I am ready to be done reading academic texts for a minute and, more than that, I am ready to be home.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Too cute to pass up!

I have an involved post on politics in the works, but only if I can get out from under the 300+ pages of theory I have to read today/tonight! But I just got sent more photos from the big Miller California vacation and I have to share this photo of my cousins' daughters, Hannah, Molly and Grace, dressed as princesses at Disneyland.

Grosser than gross

Anyone else play that "game" in like the fourth grade? What's gross? Biting into an apple and finding a worm. What's grosser than gross? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. Maybe it's just me. Anyway...

What's gross? Being sick. What's grosser than gross? Bring sick thousands of miles from home with no real comfort available. No comfy couch, no real bed, no tv to veg in front of, no plethora of treatments and treats to soothe and heal. Plus I have this big writing assignment in forty minutes and the coughing, sore throat, feverish thing I have going on right now is not putting me in the scholarly mood.

Grr....

Academia and then some

I have thought a few times in the last week or so that I should write another reflection on what I am learning here, but then there is always something else to read or think about or do and so I haven't. In the future, there may be a discussion of Thomas Hobbes, who I, like many, greatly misunderstood and underappreciated until recently.

The theme of worlds from words continues to play out, which pleases me to no end. I've also enjoyed hearing from a small number of people regarding their thoughts on the subject. (I promise your perspectives are still ruminating in my mind and a response is in the works.) In addition, we have added themes on humanity and natural law and wholeness to the mix. There are times when my head actually hurts from concentrating so hard on the task at hand, but it's a good feeling, to be thinking so much and so deeply.

This weekend I took a break from the deep thought, though, and Brian and I had a great time vacationing as it were. It goes without saying that I was thrilled to see him when he got to campus, but I'll say it anyway: when he got out of the car I was shaking, I was so excited and relieved (for lack of a better word). It was smart of him to plan his trip in the middle of my trip; as sad as I was to say good bye to him (again!) this morning, it helped to think it is only twelve more days until I am home.

Friday we went up to Griffith Park Observatory for an amazing view of the city, which truly sprawls in a way that both amazes and disgusts me and had dinner with friends of his. Saturday we took the top off the Jeep (man it's a good thing we're both college educated and relatively quick - you wouldn't think it'd be so tough) and drove up to Malibu. It sounds cliche, perhaps, or not really worth it, but I think that if you have the chance to take such a drive in any sort of convertible, you should. There is something truly awesome (as in, I was full of awe, not as in "like, totally awesome!") about driving through a canyon, looking up and seeing nothing but blue sky, clouds and mountains. Not to mention the vast horizontal vista it allows you. Seriously, it was probably my favorite piece of the trip. After a sidetrip to one of the beaches north of Malibu, we headed back into LA where Brian introduced me first to the best ice cream sandwich ever (really, why don't more places go into the business of selling homemade ice cream sandwiches?!) and then to the biggest, most expansive music store I have ever seen. Check out Diddy Riese and Amoeba Records, respectively, if you're in the area and either appeal to you. Sunday was kind of lazy - checked out a museum, Transformers (just as good the second time) and had a big dinner - and ended back in my dorm room (poor Brian, the beds here are not comfortable and certainly not if you're over 6 feet).

Tomorrow is our big writing assignment. We had to select an excerpt from one of the texts we've already read/discussed that we believe is "world making." That is to say, a piece of text (no longer than 400 words) that offers either a fundamental idea/theory or a shift of perspective/seeing of the political world. We will then spend three hours tomorrow recreating this text into three new forms (we have thirty forms to choose from, none particularly easy). After much revision and discussion and thought, I have selected a section of The Federalist No. 39 by James Madison wherein he gives a new definition of "republic" and explains how the United States' Constitution conforms to this new model. I'm thinking my new forms will include a concept map, a juxtaposition with Cicero (if I can find the right selection in Cicero) and an illuminated text, but who knows how that might change tomorrow. I'll let you know.

For now, I'm afraid, it is time for bed. I probably have so much more to say, but I'll leave it at this for now. Oh, and, new photos are up on Facebook. Check it out! If you don't have your own account, click here to see them; you'll miss out on the comments people make, but I suspect you'll survive.

I have title control again!

Lame start, I know, but I haven't been able to write a title for the last few entries and that upsets my sense of order. This is not a reflective commentary on what I've been learning in class (although it has been amazing and, in many ways, transformative), so no need for a more official title.

Tonight there was an impromptu party in one of the apartments after our session on Federalist 37. People brought wine, beer, cheese, crackers, etc and sat around talking. It was nice, although one of the women talking to me a little later in the evening mentioned that I never seem to say much. Yep, that seems about right. At one point, we went around sharing our porn names (using the name as your first pet and the street you grew up on), which was an interesting moment. There were some funny ones, but the best part of the night was when we naturally broke off into smaller groups and just talked about whatever. I may still not have talked a lot, but I felt a lot more social than I have the last few nights.

Tomorrow we wrap up with Aristotle (thank goodness) and discuss Cicero. Friday is more Cicero and Deuteronomy. Tomorrow night is also our second group dinner, which should be a good time. Lots of fun characters at this seminar and everyone is really thoughtful and intelligent. I'm glad to be here bc I am learning so much, not only about the content, but about myself as a learner and thinker.

Brian flies into LA tomorrow, but I won't see him until Friday afternoon. I have a strong suspicion that tomorrow and Friday are going to be LONG days for me. I've been gone for nearly two weeks and I don't think I could express in words how much I am looking forward to seeing him. I almost can't let myself think about it bc I think it's the only way I'll get through the next two days with any sort of focus.

Finally, today (and it is still today in CA) is my good friend Cole's birthday. I wish I could be there to share it with you, but know I was thinking about you often today. You are an amazing person with a great capacity for love and kindness and I am blessed to have you as a friend. Happy birthday, Cole!

Constitution boot camp: Day Two
On leadership, indiviual v. communal & the Declaration

In Scipio's Dream (Book Six of The Republic), a true statesman is described as someone who can see the whole and not lose sight of the parts. Someone who resides both on earth and in the heavens. Who has a sense of eternity and of the here and now. Further, a true leader is someone who guides us towards what we want to be in the best way possible and who is not hung up on personal glory or legacy, but who is truly invested in providing the most happiness and security for the community.

There are candidates for President that I like, some much more than others, but if I look at the pool honestly, I have to admit that not a single one fits this classical notion of a statesman. And I wonder, how would politics - how would our world - be different if we held our elected officials to these requirements? Is it even possible - or good - to do so? And regardless of both those questions, how did we get so far gone from this idea of a good leader being a wise guide and not a coercive navigator?

The more I study foundational documents and theory of the United States, the more I worry that we have long ago past the ideas on which this country was formed. And I wonder how, and if, we will ever reclaim them. But then the modernist (and perhaps the pragmatist) in me wonders if we need to reclaim those ideas or if this is natural and welcome evolution. Of course, then the classicist in me is reminded of the fall of similar republics due to seemingly natural evolution.

Take, for example, the notion of individual rights versus the common good. I would argue that this is the fundamental crisis facing America today; we cannot find the proper balance between the two. My professor might argue that that is because we are failing to ask the appropriate questions, but, whether or not that is true, the crisis remains.

Looking at the Declaration today, it is evident, to me at least (with the help of my professor), that this document is not about the individual and his rights, it is about the communal right of the people to form a new government and break free of the oppressive government under which they were ruled. In fact, most of the document speaks to the collective. So, how then, did we get to a place where our country is so focused on the "me" and not the "we"? Here, I allow for no debate: to me, it is imperative that we reclaim some sense of community in this country (but, again, I worry a bit about stripping individual liberties).

Along those lines, the last thing I want to reflect on (I hope you know that I use this blog as a way to process my thoughts after a day of lecture and discussion) is the life of the Declaration. Our professor made a point that all teachers of government make, that the Declaration is a living document. As such, he argued, it must be maintained. Just as we maintain our bodies and our children and our plants and pets, we must maintain our foundations of government. What a novel idea in this day and age, that we talk about and debate over the very words which created our world (going back to yesterday's theme). We have to continue to struggle with the words, figure out their relevance to our lives and work to make those same words true. (MLK said something to this affect during the civil rights movement, that all blacks wanted was for the principles and ideas of our foundation of government to be enforced or enacted.) How you do that and how I do that and how the government does that...all of those will look different, but the idea is that, as a collective, we must continue to do it bc the Declaration, which was a huge risk when written, continues to be in danger of failing still today.

Constitution boot camp: Day One
A reflection on the power of words and the real contract with America

Today marked the start of the constitutional theory seminar that I am taking at Loyola Marymount University this month. The professor has referred to it on several occasions as “constitution boot camp,” which is a phrase that, so far, seems appropriate to me. This afternoon, the professor discussed the reading of theoretical texts, focusing specifically on the writings of Cicero and on the Declaration.

When discussing theoretical texts and democracy, he mentioned the relationship between the word and the world. In scientific study, the idea is that the world exists and we must find the words to describe/explain the happenings therein. In many classical and pre-classical societies the world simply existed: governments were created and implemented via direct action, but with people of the book (whether that is religious text or not), the word comes before the world. That is to say, you can build a world with words.

I have long believed in the power of words and so this line of reasoning really struck me. Consider this: for thousands of years men (and cities) had broken free from rulers (oppressive or otherwise) through warfare. It would follow, then, that the colonies, when finally fed up with the tyranny of Britain, could simply have waged war against their oppressors and, has they won, been free. Why, then, did they feel the need to declare their intent and the reasons for it on paper? It is because the framers believed, as do many, that if you can word it right, it will work. This is constitutional principle as firmly rooted in our founding documents as any other, this belief in the power of text.

While it is true that the founding documents are important (our professor called them sacred) because of the ideas they express, they are lasting because the text is binding. No matter who is in office or what crises we endure, those texts live on and continue to speak to the people of this country and this world. Our professor argued that the country is in crisis because people have forgotten how to think and I agree with him. But I also think a large part of the problem is that people have stopped listening to the founding documents.

The Declaration, the Constitution, these texts speak about “we,” the “one people” of the country – all of us – and they set forth a contract between the government and the people. The people have given up absolute freedom for protection of their natural rights. What I think many people have lost sight of is the notion that we, as one people, have already given up what we need to give up and it is unacceptable for our current government to expect us to give up any more in the name of anything. The fact that more people in the United States aren’t outraged by this idea that we must sacrifice our basic rights for more security is what makes me agree, more than anything, with my professor: even as we become more sophisticated and more educated, our country lacks wisdom and it lacks the ability to truly debate and, finally, it is quickly losing its commitment to the very ideas on which this country was founded.

My big, fat, Jewish family.

I want to post about my family. Only they aren't big. Or fat. They are Jewish. And they're mine. My crazy, "small but mighty" family. My family who lacks in size, but not in enthusiasm. I have been mulling over this post for hours and I still don't know how I want to say what I want to say.

My cousin Allison got married in Coronado this morning. Thursday night I met my parents at their hotel in Carlsbad. The last two days have been chock-full of family time. I could write a million things about the individual interactions, but here's the big picture: I adore my family and I am truly blessed to be a part of this crazy clan. I found myself in tears this afternoon as I left, not because I was so sad to leave at that moment, but because I know it will be months, if not years, before I see most of them again (not just because I live in DC, but bc they live in IL, IN, MO, AZ & CA). And I know that when I do see them again, it will be just as fun and as memorable as this time, but it's still not the way I'd choose for things to be if I was the one in charge.

Maggie spent Thursday night and most of Friday with my immediate family and she said that seeing them, and how happy everyone is together and how much love there is (and how evident it is), helps her understand why I want so strongly to have a family of my own one day. I never stopped to think about it that way, but it is certainly true. Not only that, though, I want my family to have a similar closeness and I wish, as I always do after events of this nature, that my life (which I love) hadn't taken me so far away from my parents and sisters. But then, that's how this life is and we make it work.

Celeb sighting #2...no, make that #1

I forgot to mention this in the previous post:

While waiting for the plane to board yesterday at Dulles, I struck up a friendship with a little boy (my guess is he was about three). We talked about breakfast food, where we'd traveled, what cartoons we liked, what our favorite games were...all those great things one talks to a three year old about. He was with his mom and dad, although his mom was in the bathroom when I sat down (three year olds are nothing if not over-sharers), and his dad and I chatted a bit (they were visiting his family in VA, I work with kids, etc). Then, while the little boy and I discussed the size of the plane, a teenage girl came up and asked to take a picture with the dad. Apparently, he is famous. Maggie had to Google him this morning for me. This is the man whose son I befriended: Jason George. Maybe if I'd watched tv in the last year, I'd have stood a better chance of recognizing him. Still! Two celebrity sightings in one day! Good times.

Overlooking palm trees and the freeway

I'm sorry it has been so long since I last posted. In order to make sure I did not do any work at home during orientation week, I left my computer at school every day. It accomplished my goal, but it also meant no time for updating (bc I also made sure to leave school as soon as possible each day during orientation). Regardless, I am here now, so let's get caught up, shall we?

Orientation week was okay. It felt longer than usual, but that had nothing to do with the kids. I taught five classes of incoming seventh grade boys every day for 45 minutes. It was a lot of day, but the boys, for the most part, were polite and funny and aiming to please. Hard to complain about that, really. I don't have a ton of entertaining quotes and interactions like I usually do, but here are two that I enjoyed.

1: In the cafeteria foyer. I am directing my boys into the lunchroom silently, thereby disrupting their chance to talk with any of the girls, who are also walking through the foyer on their way to gym.

Me: In a line, gentlemen. A line. A single file line. No, no talking. The girls will be here next year. Keep walking. (Mind you, I'm saying this as I'm essentially herding them into the cafeteria).
::boys are in and seated::
M: (overheard) Man, Ms. Miller be wreckin' our game!

That's me, ladies and gentlemen, a game wrecker.

2: Thursday morning, waiting in the gym to be directed to our bus for the day-long field trip to Univ of MD. I have just laughed at something my friend Amy has said.

T: Ms. Miller, you have a pretty smile.
Me: Thank you. ::smile::
T: Yeah. You have a pretty smile, but you never do smile.
Me: You know, the other day I was walking down the street and a stranger asked me if things were really so bad (true story, kids...I was tempted to yell that they were). Maybe I should work on smiling more.
Amy: You're very observant.
T: Yeah. Ms. Maxwell, are you related to Ms. Miller?
Melanie: No. Why?
T: You have a pretty smile too, but you never smile either.
Melanie: That's because I'm angry.

I like Melanie's answer best.

Midway through orientation week my principal told me that the seventh grade will be smaller this coming year. This is great news bc it means that our upper grades are leveling out and fewer kids are leaving/being held back. It is less great news bc it means we no longer need to teach seven sections of Civics (Ian taught five, I taught two). She offered me the chance to keep my schedule as is and have Ian take on two sections of ninth grade world history or to leave Ian with five sections of Civics and for me to become a dedicated high school teacher, taking on two sections of ninth grade world history. I struggled with it for awhile, but in the end decided to keep my schedule as is. There are practical reasons (not having to prep a new class) as well as idealistic ones (my passion is for government, not social studies, and I really do enjoy teaching middle school in addition to twelfth grade), but it was a challenging and interesting thought process to go through; I really pushed myself to make sure I wasnt taking the easy way out and avoiding a new career challenge.

After orientation, it was time to prepare for my trip to California. (The subject line, P.S., is a reference to what I can see from the small patio on which I am currently sitting.) My preparations included buying new sandals and a new swimsuit and then not thinking much about the trip at all. I baby sat on Saturday and Brian and I saw the new Die Hard (if you liked the other ones or you like movies where things go fast and blow up (in implausible, but visually awesome, ways), I'd recommend it). There was a lot of surreal-ness to the trip for me. Not that I didn't recognize I was going, but that the length of the trip would hit me at odd times. Still, Monday I packed enough clothes for twenty-six days and a lot of different occasions into a suitcase and small bag and dropped my car with Brian's mom. Brian dropped me at the airport Tuesday morning (I held it together pretty well, but there were definitely some intermittent tears on my part throughout the airport) and after five hours on a plane, I met Maggie at baggage claim.

So far, the vacation part of the trip has been great. We have a much bigger SUV than we bargained for to tool around in (sometimes, folks, the upgrade is not really an improvement), but I managed to only get it stuck in the covered, below ground parking at our hotel once. Yesterday we had our first celebrity sighting (James Gandolfini! Tony Soprano! In baggage claim? I guess...) and then wandered through Beverly Hills and Hollywood. Today the plan is for a lot of beach time and then, maybe, Transformers or maybe shopping. Tomorrow, a little touristy stuff if we don't get to it today, and then a trip down to San Diego to rendezvous with my family. All in all, it should be good.

I'm thinking Maggie might be awake now (it's seven am and I've been up for an hour), so I'm going to go start getting ready. The three hour time difference sure makes getting an early start easy! Have a very happy Independence Day everyone!

What I did

This morning I ambitiously posted a list of things I wanted to do today. See below for a refresher. Here's what I actually got done today:

• Put together a sketch of the Civics summer school assignment. I did not, however, actually create the assignment packet for the kids or the rubrics for the teachers. I might just stay after school and/or use my midday break on Monday to get this done.
• Showered at the gym. Note that I did not work out at the gym. The water to my building was turned off so I simply took myself and my toiletries bag over to the gym and showered there. Nice for the membership to get some use.
• Met Brian for lunch. This was quick, since he has a lot at work right now, but it's always fun to get to see him in the middle of the day. Plus I had a yummy portabello mushroom sandwich and we ate outside.
• Bought aforementioned dress. It is just as green and wonderful now as it was when I tried it on last night. And it was $40, which is excellent.
• Read through and made adjustments to the lesson plans for summer orientation. Since I helped write them, this did not take long. I don't even have to go in on Sunday like I thought - it should work for me to arrive an hour early Monday to make copies, straighten the room, fix the boards, etc.
• Put away the mail, clothes, shoes, etc that had accumulated in my room over the course of the week.
• Took a nap on the new couch. It's long enough for me to lay on, which was an awesome discovery! It is also nice and deep and mostly comfortable for napping (I think I'll need to purchase some softer throw pillows one day).
• Posted this blog.

In all, a moderately unproductive day and yet, I'm not too worried. Doing pretty much nothing is not a bad way to spend your last day of vacation.

Finally recovered

Yesterday morning, after going to sleep around 11:30p the night before, I woke up at 7:45a. Last night, I went to bed at 11p and woke up at 6:36a. This compares with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning when I slept until 9a or later. My body seems to have finally recovered from the year of teaching. The sad thing is that it happened just in time for me to go back to work on Monday. I can't decide if I would like it better if we just went straight from the last day of school into the orientation. I think it would suck, but not as much as this bizarre pseudo-vacation. Not that the week off has sucked, it hasn't. Just that having the week and then having to go back is rough. Oh well.



Things I'm going to do today:

• write the Civics summer school project (32 hours of work, plus rubrics)


• look over and plan for orientation lessons (this may or may not include a trip to school)


• read at least one more section of Aristotle's Politics


• look for dress I found yesterday while shopping with EBeth (seriously, it was an AWESOME dress, but both dresses in my size had snags in the overlay)

It hit me this morning that I leave for LA in 10 days. I am in no way prepared for this trip. I should probably get on that. I need to do a lot of reading. I need to figure out how to pack for a month away that includes a wedding, a vacation with my best friend, a weekend with Brian and a lot of time in the classroom/library. I need to wrap my mind around the emotions that come with being gone for nearly four full weeks. Still, with all of that, I am excited about this opportunity and I know I will learn a lot. And that's something. I'm going to go ahead and get started on my day. I hope you have a happy Friday!

school's out!

I had just written a great post. Then I accidentally deleted it. It follows, then, that I am now too irritated to post properly. Here's the idea:

• Students went home Friday. Bags, suitcases, milk crates...all lined the parking lot waiting to be loaded into cars, vans and taxis while teachers gathered in the faculty lounge for ice cream and good byes.
• Graduation was Saturday morning. Twelve high school seniors gathered to be cheered, celebrated and supported by hundreds of friends, family and educators.
• My third year of teaching has officially come to an end. I almost can't believe it. We celebrated with a nice dinner at Brassiere Beck; if you like Belgian-esque food, it's worth checking out.
• Year four will be previewed for five days starting June 23rd as I teach generic Social Studies to the incoming seventh grade boys. I cannot begin to express the guilt, joy and relief I feel in knowing I will teach boys again next year. Feminist principles be damned, I guess.
• Day one of summer vacation went exceptionally well. I woke just enough to say good bye to Brian as he headed to work this morning. Then I slept until about 9a, which, for me, is rather luxurious and had breakfast. Later I went back to my house, showered, ran some errands and met Brian for lunch. I walked for awhile before succumbing to the heat and humidity, went home, turned on the AC and spent two hours talking and thinking and reading about whatever seemed interesting to me in the moment. Then I got a pedicure, read for a while at the dog park and headed back home for more reading in climat control. All in all, a spectacular start to the week off.
• I read Atonement today, which I recommend. It's a great story with good characters and a solid message that manages to not be preachy or excessive in its development. Plus it has a rather wonderful ending.
• My couch is being delivered tomorrow. The delivery window makes me think back to student govt days when you'd tell people to arrive at odd times in hopes of entreating them to arrive on time (8:07am? Must be something...). At any rate, it will be nice to have a couch, even if I rarely use it. Without one, the apartment seems less like somewhere a 27-year-old professional lives and more like somewhere a college intern is squatting. And no one needs that.

Career counseling

Every year, I ask my students to evaluate the class. For my seventh grade students, I ask them to suggest a job I would be good at outside of teaching. I just finished reading them and this year, the suggestions were (note, I copied them verbatim):

• Mom, Mom and Mom
• Principal
• Tutor
• Behavior specialist/helper
• Disciplinarian
• Police officer (wha...?)
• Senator
• Lawyer
• Person that does something for the government
• Computer technologist

Cracks me up.

Also, day two of finals and lunch is chicken strips, buffalo wings and fries. Mmm...brain food.

One post, two parts

Part One: Done, but not *done* done.
The remainder of my students went home on Tuesday afternoon. It was, by far, the strangest, most anti-climactic end of a school year yet. The boys worked on finishing their Project Citizen work. In this project, the class identifies an issue in their community, figures out who the target is and then evaluates current policy in order to propose their own policy to address the issue. Finally they identify ways in which to gain support to get their policy adopted and present all of the information via a binder, a display board and an oral presentation. It's a lot of work, a lot of chaos and some years it works better than others, but it is also a great project for the last few weeks of school and it reinforces a lot of what we studied during the year. This year, the projects weren't the best I've ever seen, but they were decent. The difference was that we worked until the very last day of school, so there was no standard, stereotypical last day of school stuff. They worked for the first half of class and presented for the second half and then they left. It was very bizarre and has led me to have no end of year joy, relief or sadness. Just sort of empty, as if there was no real closure.

It's a very strange feeling, being done with my third year (well, not really *done* done - that will come with the end of 9th-11th grade finals on Friday...and then again when orientation ends on the 29th). In many ways, this year was by far the easiest. There were no tears (and only one or two close calls) and many less nights spent venting about my day. I got more of a handle on behavior management, I came the closest I've ever come to nailing down an Econ curriculum, I felt more confident about my lessons/material and I was told by several observers that I had a clear comfort and command of the classroom. When I think back to my first months of teaching, I marvel at how far I have come, even if I know there are miles to go before I am anywhere near where I would like to be.

Perhaps the biggest change this year, though, is that I allowed myself to take a step back from the classroom. I took on more leadership and I spent less time at school. It was hard to not attend every event and I sometimes felt bad not spending hours on the weekend prepping lessons and activities, but the quality of my life has been greatly enhanced by that change. I still struggle with finding the balance between my personal life and my job and finding my place in the school community, but I suspect that will always be the case.

I have never been certain that teaching is the career for me and there are always dozens of instances that make me think it is not (there were still days, for instance, where I thought about how nice it must be to have a job where you can reasonably expect not to be disrespected/yelled at/ignored and/or confronted on a daily basis), but, at the end of the day, no matter how awful the instance, I love working with my students and I enjoy sharing my knowledge with them. I have never had a job that did not have a purpose, did not lend some value to my life, did not make some sort of a meaningful difference. I once dated a guy who proudly proclaimed that his job was not his life, but that it was something he did to support the life he did have. I don't think my job is my life, but it does give added meaning to the life I have and I value that immensely.

Part Two: The Interview
I was at the bookstore the other night and two women (who I took to be recent college grads) were discussing job interviews as they looked at a book someone has written about how to answer tough interview questions. (Seriously. That's a real book.) One woman mentioned that she hates when interviewers ask about your biggest weakness. That she never knows what to say. Over the years, I've worked out a pretty solid, professional answer (although Brian told me once that he had a coworker who wanted to answer with "Prada," which I think is fabulous), but it got me thinking.

If life had an interview, what would be your greatest weakness?

I narrowed it down to two.

1. I do my best to avoid conflict. On the plus side, this means that I am an excellent facilitator and mediator and that I am immensely laid-back in many respects. On the other hand, I often compromise or accomodate too soon. Plus, it means that I sometimes fall back on being passive-aggressive (although I am getting so much better about that).
2. I am immensely uncomfortable showing emotion and letting people do nice things for me. I put these together because I think they are related and/or come from the same place. On the plus side, this means that I am able to make decisions and lead from a pretty objective place and that I am incredibly strong and independent. On the other hand, it means that I have an incredibly hard time trusting people and that many people, even those closest to me, don't have a true understanding of how I feel (in general or about them). It also means that when people do nice things for me or do something to comfort or care for me, I often feel guilty or bad about "putting them out".

Then again, maybe my biggest weakness in life is Target. Hey, no one's perfect, right?

(Nearly) fully furnished

This weekend, after much delay, I took a major step towards "grown up-hood" (like "adulthood," but less so) and bought a couch. Those of you who know me well will not be surprised to hear the process. First I mentioned needing to do it a lot and then last weekend I walked through one furniture store in a very noncommittal fashion before calling it quits. This week I decided that it would happen. I mean, really, enough is enough. I am 27 years old. I have lived here almost three years. It is okay to buy furniture. So we went to a furniture store and sat on a fair number of couches, but the only one I liked was a horrific shade of red. Not horrific, but definitely the color of an accent pillow, not your entire couch. The second stop was Macy's (yes, they have furniture; I too was surprised) where we circled once and sat on all the couches (there were about seven). And then I bought the first one we'd seen. It was in my budget, a good color, comfortable and bigger than loveseat, but small enough to fit easily in my small-ish living room. Consider this an open invitation to come sit on it - you can even put your feet up on my $20 coffeetable, although I can't promise they'll be much else going on in that room. Anyway, so that's that. Yay permanency! Or something.

Last week of school starts tomorrow. I have never been so ready. Last week the boys were completely off the chain. Seriously. At one point I was giving rationale for why I asking them to NOT simulate masturbation in class. I couldn't make this shit up. But the project we're working on is going well and I think it will end on a good note. Plus it keeps them busy and occupied through the last day, which is key. Middle schoolers go home Tuesday and then it's three days of meetings (gah) and graduation and we're done. Not a bad year at all, although these last six weeks or so have been rougher than I would have liked. Then I get one week off (HOORAY!), followed by a week of orientation (not bad) and then only a few days until I'm in LA (that's a mixed bag).

Speaking of LA, I got my course schedule and reading list on Friday. Holy crap, kids. It's a damn good thing that I like to read so much. Even still, this is going to be an intense couple of weeks for me. As Brian said, I better come back real smart. I think it'd be impossible not to. We'll see. Now I'm focused more on planning the three day vacation Maggie and I are taking before I start class. Anyone with good "things to do in LA" ideas, let me know.

And now, because I haven't posted in awhile, a list of kudos to close out.

• Welcome to DC, Chris! I am excited (and grateful) to have you as a new roommate and, later, to just hang out in DC after work, etc.
• Congratulations, Beth and Keith! The wedding was beautiful and reflected entirely not only your love of and commitment to each other, but your unique and fun-loving personalities. I hope the honeymoon was as wonderful as it sounded.
• Happy 30th birthday, Maggie! I am so glad I was able to be with you as you entered your third decade of life. You are an amazing and inspiring person and I am truly blessed to have you as my best friend.
• Welcome home, Rachel! Good luck with the transition back to life in the Miller household. Call if you need to vent and definitely come see me before you head to China.
• Enjoy the new place, Lindsey! I am so excited for you (and Lizzie) and I can't wait to see it when I'm next in town.

I think that's it. If I skipped a kudo (is it appropriate to make that singular? Wendy?), please accept my sincerest apologies.

What a difference

I am sitting in Brian's living room, having just finished some prep work for class this week. He is out playing basketball and should be back in the next half hour or so. While we definitely still "date" (comedy show tonight, concert in a few weeks), we have also settled pretty easily into a rather domestic existence. I am continually surprised to remember that we have only been together about three months. Our relationship is one of those things that I am incredibly grateful for while still being completely blown away by the fact that it continues to be real.

While I am spending the weekend, per usual, in Bowie, Elizabeth is moving out. Her girlfriend has moved to DC and the two of them are moving into an apartment together. It sounds like the move has gone relatively well and I am hoping that this new chapter in Elizabeth's life is a great one. I'll have the apartment to myself for a week and then Chris, a friend from my UC days will be moving in. He'll stay for the summer (maybe less - he moved here quickly to take a job and wanted time to look for a place of his own) and then Sarah, another UC friend, will move in for the remainder of the lease (Sept-June). It's a big change - Elizabeth and I have been roommates for nearly three years - but I think it will work out well for everyone in the end. Positive thinking and all that.

As I type this, my friends Scott and Christina are preparing to get married in Wisconsin. I have known them since before they were a couple and, like the majority of my married friends, I cannot think of a better match for either of them. I am sad to be missing out on their festivities, but I know it will be a beautiful celebration full of laughter and joy. CONGRATULATIONS!

My friend Molly is celebrating her graduation from law school this weekend. She is an incredibly smart, funny and compassionate person who I suspect will be a welcome addition to the law community. I also missed out on that party, but I think the voice mail I got from Karen and Cole pretty much transported me there (seriously ladies, SO much giggling). CONGRATULATIONS, MOLLY!

In just a few days I am off to Wisconsin to celebrate Maggie's 30th and Beth's wedding. I am so excited to be heading home (yes, that would be my third "home" - what can I say?) and celebrating for the whole weekend. I am also bouncing in my chair at the thought of hanging out with my best friend for two whole days. Plus, I'm flying into Chicago and driving up to Wisconsin so I also get to see my folks and my sisters, all of whom are experiencing some changes of their own (Dad is weeks away from retirement, Rachel has moved home before heading to China in September, Lindsey is gearing up to move into an apartment with her best friend and Mom's dealing with all of that in one house).

I think I need to take a shower and all that good stuff. Happy Memorial Day everyone!