Unsustainable

I am in one of the worst moods ever today. And I don't like to dump a lot of negativity onto this page, in part because then people send platitudes that, while nice, make me uncomfortable. Still, I need to get this out because I am bubbling over with frustration.

More than anything, I feel overwhelmed. And not in the way that motivates you to get things done efficiently. I'm overwhelmed in a sort of paralyzing way. In the way that makes you angry at the world and then makes you frustrated that you're irrationally angry. In the way that makes you start to cry in your car when you realize you left your lunch in the house and makes you cry harder when you realize you're ruining your makeup the day of Back to School night. In the way that makes it nearly impossible for you to get up in the morning, to stay alert all day, to not collapse onto the couch as soon as you walk in the door.

Today I drove to work (45 minutes - another stellar commute) in silence because I the radio was agitating me. I don't want to talk to people. I want quiet. Really, I want a do-over, but since those aren't possible, I'll settle for a chance to get things back on track.

I am swamped at work. I work all day every day and I am still nowhere near caught up with things. I always feel like I'm scrambling to get things done. I teach three classes every two days, which means that I teach between 11 and 13 hours each week. You'd think I'd have plenty of time to get everything done. And yet...

I was at work until 7:30pm last Friday and still brought 4 hours of work home with me. I am days behind on grading in all of my classes. I need to write a Performance Based Assessment by Monday and I don't have anything done beyond the final product. I spent an entire hour yesterday cutting bookmarks for Back to School night. Last week, I spent a total of at least 8 hours collecting and placing an order of polo shirts for faculty. I have been at school until 7p, 8p, 9p more times than I care to remember in the last two weeks. I spend at least 6 hours a week meeting with and observing members of my department. I spend 4 hours a week in team meetings - usually after the work day ends. I spend between 10-15 hours a week on grad school assignments. I spend three hours a week at water aerobics, trying to get myself in some sort of functional shape. Plus, you know, I'm also trying to plan a wedding and have some semblance of a life.

Anyway, I wish I could do September over. Although I'm not sure what I'd change. I'm hoping October brings a little more calm to my life. Because, honestly, I cannot imagine making it through a whole year like this...at least not with any of my sanity or relationships in tact.

Hope fall is treating all of you a little better! Sorry for the rant.

Saying good-bye to summer

Today was the last day of my summer vacation (sadly, the boat above is JFK's, not mine). To be fair, it was also the third day of my summer vacation, but three is better than zero. Students came back yesterday, but only sixth and seventh graders - my students will not start school for another eight days - so my principal encouraged me to take some time. I thought I would spend it relaxing and doing some work, but tomorrow I will return my bags to school, having never even opened them. Instead I did things I enjoy. I ran small errands. I bought a handful of new clothes and a pair of purple flats. I spent a morning in Annapolis. I got a haircut. I ate Indian food. I bought flowers at a farmer's market. I watched tv. I talked with my best friend. I slept in. I gave myself a manicure. And I read. I read on the Annapolis city dock, eating pumpkin bread and listening to the bay. I read in my bed, when I would normally be on my way to work, listening as a cool breeze rustled the tree outside our window. I read by the pool, milking every last minute of the freedom that was so wonderfully mine over the last few days.

In between my first day of vacation and my second and third days, Brian and I went to Chicago. We left Friday afternoon and returned on Sunday. Ostensibly, we went home to welcome Rachel back to the States and to celebrate my grandparents' sixtieth wedding anniversary. But we also went home because my grandfather is pretty sick and it was very important to my mom that we have this mini family reunion of sorts. It was really good to see everyone and fun to watch my sisters reunited and clearly still enamored with each other (in this way that only twins can be, I think). And I never pass at a chance to spend time with my grandparents; we are remarkably different people, but they are the most sincere and loving people I know. The visit was hard too. My grandpa has always been quiet, but there is a different aura to his silence now. He carries himself differently, people react differently to him, and more than once I caught him concentrating on his arms, rubbing them as if that could make the bruises go away. This was the first trip in a long time where I had a hard time saying good bye to my parents at the airport and I could not sleep at all our first night back. I'm a little better now, but it's a strange thing, getting older, watching your role models get older still.

Tomorrow, I will dive, headfirst, back into the world of meetings and lesson plans and observations. I will say good-bye to the shorts and flip-flops I love so much and, like so many of my friends have already done, I will go back to school. Summer's really over.