Striving for balance

With two weeks of the new school year behind me, I am finding myself thinking about a career change. This isn't first-year, "this is so hard, I don't know what to do" thinking, this is a whole new feeling. It is more than possible that things will change as the year progresses, but mostly I'm just not getting the same feeling of satisfaction from my job. My students are fine this year and even the ones who seem like they might be a challenge don't worry me much; I'm confident that I can handle it at this point. I don't know exactly what's going on, but I know I'm not happy. I know that I don't really feel like I belong and that it is more than just not having a classroom of my own. I know that while I love interacting with my students, I don't really feel like I am really making a difference anymore. I am tired of always struggling to find any hint that what I am doing is producing results. I never thought teaching was my life-long career and I recently read a study that said urban teachers burn out after three years - this is year four for me - but I also don't think I am ready to abandon urban education altogether. So, the question becomes, what does all of this mean for me? It's a big question to grapple with and one I don't think I'll have an answer for soon.

In other news, I have a new roommate. Sarah moved to DC last Wednesday night and she starts work one week from today. I stayed at the apartment Wednesday night and we made a trip to Target on Friday, but I feel a little bad. When I asked her to move in with me it was late May and, at that point, I was still at the apartment more nights than not. After coming back from California, I have spent all of one night at the apartment and now, when I'm completely honest with myself, I don't really like the idea of not staying at Brian's. It's not that there is anything wrong with the apartment, there are certain charms to it, for sure. And it's not that I don't like living in the city, in fact I never imagined myself living anywhere else. It's not that I don't want to hang out with Sarah; I'm excited that she is in DC and I think we'll have a lot of fun hanging out. In the end, I think that what it all comes down to is that after this summer, I am not really satisfied going back to seeing Brian a few nights a week and then on the weekends, which is what happens because we're both pretty busy people. But for now I exist in this weird gray area and I struggle with how to better define it, if it all. Mostly I just try to roll with it and have faith that things will work out for the best. Even if I am not sure how that is, exactly.

I was able to make a Target run with Sarah on Friday afternoon because I took a sick day to go to the doctor. I was at the doctor for about an hour while they ran some tests trying to figure out why I'm feeling so run down and stuff. I went the week before, but the tests only gave some inconclusive hints that I had an infection so I had to return. I considered taking a half day, but since I wasn't sure how long it would take and I'm not totally feeling work anyway, I just took the whole day. In the end, I got another round of antibiotics and we'll see. It seems that the new "back to school" tradition for me is to get pretty sick. Not so great.

But all is not wrong in my world, so fear not. My folks are coming to visit in a few weeks and I am so excited to see them. I am looking forward to spending time with them and talking with them about the things going on at work, etc. I also really want them to meet Brian and for Brian to meet them; I'm a little nervous about that, but, when I'm realistic, I know it will be good. My sister is also coming to visit, although that is not until November, but will still be wonderful. As much as I feel at home out here, I do miss my family an awful lot. It's just nice to be able to talk with people who have always known you, who know how you think and who don't hesitate to call you out when you're being ridiculous (which I sort of worry that I am). Also, I had a really good weekend, which is nice. Brian and I checked out a new restaurant - not so great, but we laughed a lot; I had a great time babysitting on Saturday afternoon; we went to a soccer game at the Naval Academy yesterday - it was a beautiful day to sit by the bay and watch soccer; and there was so much time spent just lounging and watching football, movies, etc. Can't ask for much more, really.

I promised myself I would not blog past the end of first period and that is coming up shortly. My goal was to purge my mind somewhat and then spend second period really prepping for the week, etc. I should probably get on that then. Happy Monday, all.