I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry for that. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed and so I don't feel compelled to write. And in a few other ways, there have been subtle shifts in my mindset that I want to expore, but can't find the words in which to do so. But with a night alone and my grading done, I thought I'd give it a try.
A quick health update goes something like this: I started physical therapy just before Thanksgiving and while I know it will help in the long run, I am not seeing results as of yet. Unless you call discomfort and soreness a result. I had my second steroid epidural block a week and a half ago. It seemed to be helping on days one and two, but Sunday I suffered a setback and the last few days have been a mixture of feeling sort of okay and hurting so much that I just want to be very still - only lying down is also uncomfortable. This whole process is so frustrating, not only because my body is consistently failing me, but because it is a non-visible injury that continues to impede everything I do (the non-visible part comes into play b/c I feel like people think I am "better" and don't get why I am still taking time off, being slow and tired, etc). I am exhausted at the end of each day and if the pain is too great, I don't sleep well (the last few nights being excellent examples) so I am also tired during the following day. It is hard to find the energy needed to be a good teacher when you feel like you need to devote all of your energy to just functioning through the day. It's just making me irritated and sad.
Work is also irritating and sad. There is some conversation amongst adults, but pretty much everyone is in their own worlds just trying to make it through. Or, at least, that's my perception, which might be colored by the fact that I'm not around as much as usual. Still, it's not a very fun place to be right now. And, with seven school days left until winter break, the kids aren't making it any easier. Today, when I was redirecting my sixth period (seventh graders) one student said, "Well, you get paid even if we don't learn, so..." It was heart-wrenching, but it also makes me wonder. Do they actually perceive teachers as adults just sticking it out to collect the money? Or do they know that's a weak spot for really dedicated teachers (like the ones at my school) and use lines like that to push on the weak spot, hoping it will break? Or did they just say it, not even thinking about what it means? Either way, the answer's a sad one.
I don't know. I think a break will help. I think going back to Chicago for Christmas will help. I think going to Madison in January will help. I think having time to myself to think about things and figure out what I want and where I'm at will make a difference. To be clear, it's not like I'm depressed or even really sad. More than anything I just feel the urge to yell out loud. Taken all together, my life is really great, but the feeling I'm getting from it right now is not such a good one. More than anything, I think this current funk is a storm I need to weather. So I continue to duck my head and push on - all the while trying to keep good perspective on it all.
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