Update

A few new photos are up, not many, but my seniors presented some research last night and I'm proctoring an exam this morning...

Privilege and perspective

The list is based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. The exercise developers ask that if you participate in this blog game, you acknowledge their copyright.If you post this in your blog, please leave a comment on this post. To participate in this blog game, copy and paste the list into your blog, and bold the items that are true for you. If you don’t have a blog, feel free to post your responses in the comments.

Father went to college
Father finished college
Mother went to college
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Were read children’s books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
Went to a private high school
Went to summer camp (I went to day camp)
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
There was original art in your house when you were a child
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
You had your own room as a child
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

New photos

Spent some time with Facebook last night...check out end of 2007 photos here and new 2008 photos here. Enjoy!

Snow+sleet+rain+ice = smiles

It never ceases to amaze me when school gets cancelled due to weather here in DC. It started snowing around 10am - big, wet flakes. It continued to snow like that through the early afternoon and then the snow switched to sleet, back to snow and then snow mixed with freezing rain. I think they were worried about residence life staff making it in to work tonight and academic staff doing so in the morning, so they cancelled school for tomorrow and sent the kids home after school today. Tomorrow it is supposed to be 48 and sunny. Strange, huh? But not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I left work at 3:15p and am snugly tucked into my sweats and my couch one short hour later. Not too shabby (although the 20 mile drive home did take 50 minutes).

Anyway, I thought I'd spend some time relaxing and reflecting, two things I enjoy, but can never seem to get enough of. So I made some hot chocolate and decided to spend some time talking to all of you. Because I know I don't do that nearly enough.

As most of you know, I have officially moved in with Brian (if you didn't get the new address email, let me know and I will pass it along). Well, not officially because I'm still working off a pile of clothes and all of my stuff is still at the apartment on the Hill (I'm still not really sure where it is all going to go), but he asked and I said yes and the plan is in motion. In some ways it is a little overwhelming, but that's mostly the logistics. I like structure and deadlines and for things to happen naturally, but this is much more fluid andhas no natural timeline. It's not like my lease is up or an official subletter is moving in and while that has made it all a lot easier in many respects, I'm not really a fluid type of girl. I went over this week and packed two boxes of books, which is a start and I might use my snow day to put a serious dent in things. I may also wait for Brian to be able to help me (the up/down motion of packing irritates my back). Either way, I'd like the move to be completed soon - ideally by next week, but by the end of the month at the very latest. I just want it to be truly real - I want the place where I live to be my home, not just Brian's home where I happen to be all of the time. I know nothing will really change, but it will be different to me and I'm looking forward to that.

Work was a little more sane this week. Not by much, but every little bit helps. My classes are still moderately to severely off the charts, but I'm forging better relationships with more of the students and that makes me feel better - more connected - if nothing else. I still feel like the school's going in a bad direction and I still don't feel like I belong to any sort of work community, but I no longer feel like I'm not sure how I'll make it to June. (This may be the four day weekend talking.) That being said, I am still looking for a new job and have found one or two that look promising. If you know of anything in the DC/MD area that sounds like something I would like, pass it my way.

My back is doing okay. Last weekend I had no pain at all, but by Tuesday afternoon that wonderful sensation was gone. Still, even now, I am feeling much better than before. I have a full core exercise regimen, including some to get my legs and glutes working (my right side doesn't really "turn on") and that seems to be helping a lot. I'm hoping to start back at the gym in February - four months after the injury first happened. We'll see.

Last Saturday, Brian and I went to see the Wizards-Celtics game and we had the most amazing seats. Seriously. We were seated two rows behind the media table at nearly half-court. I planned on posting a photo to give you an idea of how close we really were, but the site's not letting me. Trust me, it was so cool - we could hear the players yelling to each other and see their facial expressions as they raced around the court. The Wizards won, which surprised me a little, but it was a pretty good game overall.

I think that's about all from me right now. I'll close by giving a shout out to Elizabeth, who landed a great new job and Sarah B, whose birthday is fast approaching. Lots of love to both of you wonderful women and to all of you. Have a great week's end!

Sandwich posting

You know the deal...

Old and new
This weekend, Brian and I flew back to the Midwest to attend my good friend Dave's wedding. The wedding was beautiful: the dress gorgeous; the bride stunning; the groom beaming; the flowers perfect. It was a great event overall, even if the deejay's musical selections had me confused and laughing most of the night. I even got Brian to polka, which he might deny if asked. We didn't dance much because of my back, but I certainly had a great time. Mostly, it was wonderful to see Dave so clearly happy and even more wonderful to spend time with such good friends. It might have been hard to head home on Sunday afternoon, but I wouldn't have missed that opportunity (however short) for anything. I have said it many times before, but sometimes your soul needs to spend some time amongst those who have known and loved you through several stages in your life.

Last week, I had dinner with Sarah and we had such a good time drinking wine and chatting that I made a promise to myself to do that more often. I sometimes get caught up in feeling sorry for myself because my family and closest friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away and while that is true, it is also true that I know some great people here in the DC area and I need to make time for them. Perhaps it will help lend some balance to my life. At the very least, it will be fun in the moment.

The funk keeps coming
I haven't posted much lately, but the most recent posts have both discussed or alluded to my being in a bit of a funk. I thought that the funk was like a short storm that I could simply weather, but it has persisted and I'm starting to think I need to take more active measures to get through it. There is a lot in my life that is wonderful and amazing, but there is also enough going on that is irritating or stressful or worrisome that I can't shake this feeling that I am engaged in a delicate balancing act and constantly on the verge of losing it all. I can't quite pinpoint what the actual problems are so I can't figure out how to fix them. Or, maybe I can pinpoint at least most of the problem and there just isn't a quick fix. Last night, Brian suggested that I am sad about work and worn down from the constant pain in my back, which matches exactly what I'm feeling (showing once again how well he knows me). Those two things, exacerbated last night by my impending return to school and an epidural tomorrow, collided with the usual sadness I feel when I leave Chicago to create one sad, cranky Jessica. Poor Brian; I was in a horrible funk and I knew it would only take one kind gesture and I'd crack so I was doing all I could to keep from completely losing it (which I am not comfortable with doing ever, and certainly not right now) - as a result, I was not a very nice person to have around last night. I feel bad about it, but it's where I am at right now and no matter how optimistic I try to remain, I just don't see an end to the causes of this funk any time soon.

Taking action
With the end of the school year nearly six months away and the full recovery of my back still up in the air, I need to do something to make myself feel better. So I am looking for jobs in a much more serious manner. I am going to start getting to work on time and leaving within an hour of school ending. I am talking to my physical therapist Wednesday morning about what cardio I can add into my core strengthening workout. I am going to eat better (after the holiday season, this is always important); I went to the grocery store and bought tea, soups, fruit and yogurt for myself. I am committed to spending time with my friends during the week (especially since Brian is gone 3-4 nights/week for basketball for the next three months). I am tired of being sad and irritated. It's not fun for me and it's not fair to the people closest to me. I can't fix the problems myself, but I can take back at least some of the control. And that's a good start for now.

No one's perfect

Today, I'm taking solace in something Maya Angelou once said and I thought I'd share it here:

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes-it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all.

Journal, it's just you and me; let's make this work

I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry for that. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed and so I don't feel compelled to write. And in a few other ways, there have been subtle shifts in my mindset that I want to expore, but can't find the words in which to do so. But with a night alone and my grading done, I thought I'd give it a try.


A quick health update goes something like this: I started physical therapy just before Thanksgiving and while I know it will help in the long run, I am not seeing results as of yet. Unless you call discomfort and soreness a result. I had my second steroid epidural block a week and a half ago. It seemed to be helping on days one and two, but Sunday I suffered a setback and the last few days have been a mixture of feeling sort of okay and hurting so much that I just want to be very still - only lying down is also uncomfortable. This whole process is so frustrating, not only because my body is consistently failing me, but because it is a non-visible injury that continues to impede everything I do (the non-visible part comes into play b/c I feel like people think I am "better" and don't get why I am still taking time off, being slow and tired, etc). I am exhausted at the end of each day and if the pain is too great, I don't sleep well (the last few nights being excellent examples) so I am also tired during the following day. It is hard to find the energy needed to be a good teacher when you feel like you need to devote all of your energy to just functioning through the day. It's just making me irritated and sad.

Work is also irritating and sad. There is some conversation amongst adults, but pretty much everyone is in their own worlds just trying to make it through. Or, at least, that's my perception, which might be colored by the fact that I'm not around as much as usual. Still, it's not a very fun place to be right now. And, with seven school days left until winter break, the kids aren't making it any easier. Today, when I was redirecting my sixth period (seventh graders) one student said, "Well, you get paid even if we don't learn, so..." It was heart-wrenching, but it also makes me wonder. Do they actually perceive teachers as adults just sticking it out to collect the money? Or do they know that's a weak spot for really dedicated teachers (like the ones at my school) and use lines like that to push on the weak spot, hoping it will break? Or did they just say it, not even thinking about what it means? Either way, the answer's a sad one.

I don't know. I think a break will help. I think going back to Chicago for Christmas will help. I think going to Madison in January will help. I think having time to myself to think about things and figure out what I want and where I'm at will make a difference. To be clear, it's not like I'm depressed or even really sad. More than anything I just feel the urge to yell out loud. Taken all together, my life is really great, but the feeling I'm getting from it right now is not such a good one. More than anything, I think this current funk is a storm I need to weather. So I continue to duck my head and push on - all the while trying to keep good perspective on it all.