Sandwich posting

You know the deal...

Old and new
This weekend, Brian and I flew back to the Midwest to attend my good friend Dave's wedding. The wedding was beautiful: the dress gorgeous; the bride stunning; the groom beaming; the flowers perfect. It was a great event overall, even if the deejay's musical selections had me confused and laughing most of the night. I even got Brian to polka, which he might deny if asked. We didn't dance much because of my back, but I certainly had a great time. Mostly, it was wonderful to see Dave so clearly happy and even more wonderful to spend time with such good friends. It might have been hard to head home on Sunday afternoon, but I wouldn't have missed that opportunity (however short) for anything. I have said it many times before, but sometimes your soul needs to spend some time amongst those who have known and loved you through several stages in your life.

Last week, I had dinner with Sarah and we had such a good time drinking wine and chatting that I made a promise to myself to do that more often. I sometimes get caught up in feeling sorry for myself because my family and closest friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away and while that is true, it is also true that I know some great people here in the DC area and I need to make time for them. Perhaps it will help lend some balance to my life. At the very least, it will be fun in the moment.

The funk keeps coming
I haven't posted much lately, but the most recent posts have both discussed or alluded to my being in a bit of a funk. I thought that the funk was like a short storm that I could simply weather, but it has persisted and I'm starting to think I need to take more active measures to get through it. There is a lot in my life that is wonderful and amazing, but there is also enough going on that is irritating or stressful or worrisome that I can't shake this feeling that I am engaged in a delicate balancing act and constantly on the verge of losing it all. I can't quite pinpoint what the actual problems are so I can't figure out how to fix them. Or, maybe I can pinpoint at least most of the problem and there just isn't a quick fix. Last night, Brian suggested that I am sad about work and worn down from the constant pain in my back, which matches exactly what I'm feeling (showing once again how well he knows me). Those two things, exacerbated last night by my impending return to school and an epidural tomorrow, collided with the usual sadness I feel when I leave Chicago to create one sad, cranky Jessica. Poor Brian; I was in a horrible funk and I knew it would only take one kind gesture and I'd crack so I was doing all I could to keep from completely losing it (which I am not comfortable with doing ever, and certainly not right now) - as a result, I was not a very nice person to have around last night. I feel bad about it, but it's where I am at right now and no matter how optimistic I try to remain, I just don't see an end to the causes of this funk any time soon.

Taking action
With the end of the school year nearly six months away and the full recovery of my back still up in the air, I need to do something to make myself feel better. So I am looking for jobs in a much more serious manner. I am going to start getting to work on time and leaving within an hour of school ending. I am talking to my physical therapist Wednesday morning about what cardio I can add into my core strengthening workout. I am going to eat better (after the holiday season, this is always important); I went to the grocery store and bought tea, soups, fruit and yogurt for myself. I am committed to spending time with my friends during the week (especially since Brian is gone 3-4 nights/week for basketball for the next three months). I am tired of being sad and irritated. It's not fun for me and it's not fair to the people closest to me. I can't fix the problems myself, but I can take back at least some of the control. And that's a good start for now.

No one's perfect

Today, I'm taking solace in something Maya Angelou once said and I thought I'd share it here:

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes-it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all.

Journal, it's just you and me; let's make this work

I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry for that. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed and so I don't feel compelled to write. And in a few other ways, there have been subtle shifts in my mindset that I want to expore, but can't find the words in which to do so. But with a night alone and my grading done, I thought I'd give it a try.


A quick health update goes something like this: I started physical therapy just before Thanksgiving and while I know it will help in the long run, I am not seeing results as of yet. Unless you call discomfort and soreness a result. I had my second steroid epidural block a week and a half ago. It seemed to be helping on days one and two, but Sunday I suffered a setback and the last few days have been a mixture of feeling sort of okay and hurting so much that I just want to be very still - only lying down is also uncomfortable. This whole process is so frustrating, not only because my body is consistently failing me, but because it is a non-visible injury that continues to impede everything I do (the non-visible part comes into play b/c I feel like people think I am "better" and don't get why I am still taking time off, being slow and tired, etc). I am exhausted at the end of each day and if the pain is too great, I don't sleep well (the last few nights being excellent examples) so I am also tired during the following day. It is hard to find the energy needed to be a good teacher when you feel like you need to devote all of your energy to just functioning through the day. It's just making me irritated and sad.

Work is also irritating and sad. There is some conversation amongst adults, but pretty much everyone is in their own worlds just trying to make it through. Or, at least, that's my perception, which might be colored by the fact that I'm not around as much as usual. Still, it's not a very fun place to be right now. And, with seven school days left until winter break, the kids aren't making it any easier. Today, when I was redirecting my sixth period (seventh graders) one student said, "Well, you get paid even if we don't learn, so..." It was heart-wrenching, but it also makes me wonder. Do they actually perceive teachers as adults just sticking it out to collect the money? Or do they know that's a weak spot for really dedicated teachers (like the ones at my school) and use lines like that to push on the weak spot, hoping it will break? Or did they just say it, not even thinking about what it means? Either way, the answer's a sad one.

I don't know. I think a break will help. I think going back to Chicago for Christmas will help. I think going to Madison in January will help. I think having time to myself to think about things and figure out what I want and where I'm at will make a difference. To be clear, it's not like I'm depressed or even really sad. More than anything I just feel the urge to yell out loud. Taken all together, my life is really great, but the feeling I'm getting from it right now is not such a good one. More than anything, I think this current funk is a storm I need to weather. So I continue to duck my head and push on - all the while trying to keep good perspective on it all.

Thanks Giving

I was going to blog about the stresses in my life, but I decided to delete that entry and, in honor of the holiday and the season it ushers in, I thought I would focus on the positive and post the things I am thankful for (without commentary - recognize how hard that was for me). It's a list both serious and lighthearted, but it is all true.

This year, I am thankful for (in ABC order):

• Brian
• cable tv
• college sports
• coworkers who care
• Dad's happy retirement
• Date Lab in The Washington Post
• days off
• fall season
• gourmet food shops
• happy hours
• health insurance
• Kara and Chris living down the road
• lazy weekend mornings
• Lindsey's visit
• the love of my family
• marathon phone calls with Maggie
• Mom's good health
• peppermint hot chocolate
• Rachel's blog
• regular manicures
• roommate emails
• savings accounts
• sneakers
• supportive, loving, loyal friends
• weekly dinners with Elizabeth

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving: the family; friends; food; football and relaxation.

In short

I am sorry it has been so long between posts. I wish I had an exciting reason, like I was jet-setting around the globe and couldn't find the time or I was backpacking through the mountains with no Internet access, but the truth is much less glamorous. My average, day-to-day life has just been pretty overwhelming of late, but with it being more of the same, I don't feel the urge to talk about it. Still, I know an update is long overdue, so here it is, in short.

1. My back, which went out over a month ago, was diagnosed as two herniated discs in my lower spine. This week I went to a pain management clinic and had anti-inflammatory steroids injected into the area via an epidural. It was the most uncomfortable and painful (without there being PAIN pain) five minute procedure of my life. But now, two days later, while I still can't bend over, crouch down or twist without discomfort, I can move around a lot easier, sit for a lot longer and sleep a lot better. Physical therapy starts soon and lasts 6-8 weeks and there may be 1-2 more epidural blocks in my near future, but the hope is that I'll be back to nearly 100% by the new year. Here's hoping...
2. My sister came to visit last week. She got in Wednesday night and stayed through Sunday afternoon. It was, as always, wonderful to see her and hang out. When I met her at the airport there were HUGE smiles and big hugs and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of jumping for joy. She also came to school with me on Thursday and since she has been before (and since she is so cool - what with the technicolor hair and all) she has developed a bit of a following. It was fun to watch.
3. Jeff was also in town last week, for almost the same time period as my sister. We hung out Friday night and Saturday afternoon and it was good to see him again. It's nice to spend time with people who knew you in another life. I'm thrilled with the person I am now and wouldn't change much in my current life, but it's always nice to get to slip back into a totally different past life. Plus, it's nice to see my college friends, any of them, growing comfortable with their adult selves. If any of that makes any sense at all, then points to you.
4. Work is crazy, emotional, intense and hard. My seniors are mostly awesome and I have grown, as always, to love my relationships with them (even if they aren't as close as they have been in the past). My seventh graders are killing me, but I'm not giving in just yet. If they want to fight me, I have no intention of backing down. There have been more reflections and referrals this week than in the last six weeks combined, but I feel okay about that. I slacked a bit while I was feeling really down and I am paying for it now, but, come hell or high water, we will get things back in gear by Winter Break. Just in time to relearn it all again in the new year. ::sigh:: Other than the kids, the adults at work are stressful too. It's such an emotionally taxing job and there have been so many changes and there are so many women and it's all just boiling over right now. People were literally in tears at our last professional development session. You can all probably guess how much I loved that. Anyway, I'm still thinking about and looking for other employment opportunities. If you think of anything great, let me know; I'm all ears at this point.
5. I'm not going home for Thanksgiving this year. I am sad about that, especially since I didn't get to make it back for my uncle's funeral last month (I was confined to bed b/c of my back that week), but I know it's for the best. One, two 2-hour flights in the span of 3-4 days would not be great for my back. Two, travel with that little turn-around time is rough (as witnessed when I went back last year). And three, flights for Thanksgiving are EXPENSIVE and I'm already spending $250 for Christmas and another $300 for Brian and I to fly to Madison for Dave's wedding in January. Still, it will be sad to not be with my family and I know my grandma wants me to be there. Luckily, Thanksgiving with Brian's rather large family will keep me occupied (and entertained) enough to enjoy what is one of my favorite holidays. Hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving as well.

Maybe there's more, but I actually think that covers most of it for now. And I should probably do some prep for my upcoming classes (although I did a lot last night, lest you think I have become one of those teachers). Have a very happy week's end and enjoy what is looking to be a true late-fall weekend (at least here in DC)!

Sterility takes time

Do you how long it takes to disinfect four buildings, including two dormitories? Me neither, but it must be a pretty long time. Kids went home last night and aren't coming back until Sunday night. Staff has to be back for previously scheduled professional development Friday. It's like a mini-fall break! Sweet.

Happy staph day

No error in the title. A student at school was diagnosed with a staph infection (there's been an outbreak in our area) so they sent the kids home tonight and are disinfecting everything tomorrow. Can't even get onto campus tomorrow. Don't have to tell me twice.