Career counseling

Every year, I ask my students to evaluate the class. For my seventh grade students, I ask them to suggest a job I would be good at outside of teaching. I just finished reading them and this year, the suggestions were (note, I copied them verbatim):

• Mom, Mom and Mom
• Principal
• Tutor
• Behavior specialist/helper
• Disciplinarian
• Police officer (wha...?)
• Senator
• Lawyer
• Person that does something for the government
• Computer technologist

Cracks me up.

Also, day two of finals and lunch is chicken strips, buffalo wings and fries. Mmm...brain food.

One post, two parts

Part One: Done, but not *done* done.
The remainder of my students went home on Tuesday afternoon. It was, by far, the strangest, most anti-climactic end of a school year yet. The boys worked on finishing their Project Citizen work. In this project, the class identifies an issue in their community, figures out who the target is and then evaluates current policy in order to propose their own policy to address the issue. Finally they identify ways in which to gain support to get their policy adopted and present all of the information via a binder, a display board and an oral presentation. It's a lot of work, a lot of chaos and some years it works better than others, but it is also a great project for the last few weeks of school and it reinforces a lot of what we studied during the year. This year, the projects weren't the best I've ever seen, but they were decent. The difference was that we worked until the very last day of school, so there was no standard, stereotypical last day of school stuff. They worked for the first half of class and presented for the second half and then they left. It was very bizarre and has led me to have no end of year joy, relief or sadness. Just sort of empty, as if there was no real closure.

It's a very strange feeling, being done with my third year (well, not really *done* done - that will come with the end of 9th-11th grade finals on Friday...and then again when orientation ends on the 29th). In many ways, this year was by far the easiest. There were no tears (and only one or two close calls) and many less nights spent venting about my day. I got more of a handle on behavior management, I came the closest I've ever come to nailing down an Econ curriculum, I felt more confident about my lessons/material and I was told by several observers that I had a clear comfort and command of the classroom. When I think back to my first months of teaching, I marvel at how far I have come, even if I know there are miles to go before I am anywhere near where I would like to be.

Perhaps the biggest change this year, though, is that I allowed myself to take a step back from the classroom. I took on more leadership and I spent less time at school. It was hard to not attend every event and I sometimes felt bad not spending hours on the weekend prepping lessons and activities, but the quality of my life has been greatly enhanced by that change. I still struggle with finding the balance between my personal life and my job and finding my place in the school community, but I suspect that will always be the case.

I have never been certain that teaching is the career for me and there are always dozens of instances that make me think it is not (there were still days, for instance, where I thought about how nice it must be to have a job where you can reasonably expect not to be disrespected/yelled at/ignored and/or confronted on a daily basis), but, at the end of the day, no matter how awful the instance, I love working with my students and I enjoy sharing my knowledge with them. I have never had a job that did not have a purpose, did not lend some value to my life, did not make some sort of a meaningful difference. I once dated a guy who proudly proclaimed that his job was not his life, but that it was something he did to support the life he did have. I don't think my job is my life, but it does give added meaning to the life I have and I value that immensely.

Part Two: The Interview
I was at the bookstore the other night and two women (who I took to be recent college grads) were discussing job interviews as they looked at a book someone has written about how to answer tough interview questions. (Seriously. That's a real book.) One woman mentioned that she hates when interviewers ask about your biggest weakness. That she never knows what to say. Over the years, I've worked out a pretty solid, professional answer (although Brian told me once that he had a coworker who wanted to answer with "Prada," which I think is fabulous), but it got me thinking.

If life had an interview, what would be your greatest weakness?

I narrowed it down to two.

1. I do my best to avoid conflict. On the plus side, this means that I am an excellent facilitator and mediator and that I am immensely laid-back in many respects. On the other hand, I often compromise or accomodate too soon. Plus, it means that I sometimes fall back on being passive-aggressive (although I am getting so much better about that).
2. I am immensely uncomfortable showing emotion and letting people do nice things for me. I put these together because I think they are related and/or come from the same place. On the plus side, this means that I am able to make decisions and lead from a pretty objective place and that I am incredibly strong and independent. On the other hand, it means that I have an incredibly hard time trusting people and that many people, even those closest to me, don't have a true understanding of how I feel (in general or about them). It also means that when people do nice things for me or do something to comfort or care for me, I often feel guilty or bad about "putting them out".

Then again, maybe my biggest weakness in life is Target. Hey, no one's perfect, right?

(Nearly) fully furnished

This weekend, after much delay, I took a major step towards "grown up-hood" (like "adulthood," but less so) and bought a couch. Those of you who know me well will not be surprised to hear the process. First I mentioned needing to do it a lot and then last weekend I walked through one furniture store in a very noncommittal fashion before calling it quits. This week I decided that it would happen. I mean, really, enough is enough. I am 27 years old. I have lived here almost three years. It is okay to buy furniture. So we went to a furniture store and sat on a fair number of couches, but the only one I liked was a horrific shade of red. Not horrific, but definitely the color of an accent pillow, not your entire couch. The second stop was Macy's (yes, they have furniture; I too was surprised) where we circled once and sat on all the couches (there were about seven). And then I bought the first one we'd seen. It was in my budget, a good color, comfortable and bigger than loveseat, but small enough to fit easily in my small-ish living room. Consider this an open invitation to come sit on it - you can even put your feet up on my $20 coffeetable, although I can't promise they'll be much else going on in that room. Anyway, so that's that. Yay permanency! Or something.

Last week of school starts tomorrow. I have never been so ready. Last week the boys were completely off the chain. Seriously. At one point I was giving rationale for why I asking them to NOT simulate masturbation in class. I couldn't make this shit up. But the project we're working on is going well and I think it will end on a good note. Plus it keeps them busy and occupied through the last day, which is key. Middle schoolers go home Tuesday and then it's three days of meetings (gah) and graduation and we're done. Not a bad year at all, although these last six weeks or so have been rougher than I would have liked. Then I get one week off (HOORAY!), followed by a week of orientation (not bad) and then only a few days until I'm in LA (that's a mixed bag).

Speaking of LA, I got my course schedule and reading list on Friday. Holy crap, kids. It's a damn good thing that I like to read so much. Even still, this is going to be an intense couple of weeks for me. As Brian said, I better come back real smart. I think it'd be impossible not to. We'll see. Now I'm focused more on planning the three day vacation Maggie and I are taking before I start class. Anyone with good "things to do in LA" ideas, let me know.

And now, because I haven't posted in awhile, a list of kudos to close out.

• Welcome to DC, Chris! I am excited (and grateful) to have you as a new roommate and, later, to just hang out in DC after work, etc.
• Congratulations, Beth and Keith! The wedding was beautiful and reflected entirely not only your love of and commitment to each other, but your unique and fun-loving personalities. I hope the honeymoon was as wonderful as it sounded.
• Happy 30th birthday, Maggie! I am so glad I was able to be with you as you entered your third decade of life. You are an amazing and inspiring person and I am truly blessed to have you as my best friend.
• Welcome home, Rachel! Good luck with the transition back to life in the Miller household. Call if you need to vent and definitely come see me before you head to China.
• Enjoy the new place, Lindsey! I am so excited for you (and Lizzie) and I can't wait to see it when I'm next in town.

I think that's it. If I skipped a kudo (is it appropriate to make that singular? Wendy?), please accept my sincerest apologies.

What a difference

I am sitting in Brian's living room, having just finished some prep work for class this week. He is out playing basketball and should be back in the next half hour or so. While we definitely still "date" (comedy show tonight, concert in a few weeks), we have also settled pretty easily into a rather domestic existence. I am continually surprised to remember that we have only been together about three months. Our relationship is one of those things that I am incredibly grateful for while still being completely blown away by the fact that it continues to be real.

While I am spending the weekend, per usual, in Bowie, Elizabeth is moving out. Her girlfriend has moved to DC and the two of them are moving into an apartment together. It sounds like the move has gone relatively well and I am hoping that this new chapter in Elizabeth's life is a great one. I'll have the apartment to myself for a week and then Chris, a friend from my UC days will be moving in. He'll stay for the summer (maybe less - he moved here quickly to take a job and wanted time to look for a place of his own) and then Sarah, another UC friend, will move in for the remainder of the lease (Sept-June). It's a big change - Elizabeth and I have been roommates for nearly three years - but I think it will work out well for everyone in the end. Positive thinking and all that.

As I type this, my friends Scott and Christina are preparing to get married in Wisconsin. I have known them since before they were a couple and, like the majority of my married friends, I cannot think of a better match for either of them. I am sad to be missing out on their festivities, but I know it will be a beautiful celebration full of laughter and joy. CONGRATULATIONS!

My friend Molly is celebrating her graduation from law school this weekend. She is an incredibly smart, funny and compassionate person who I suspect will be a welcome addition to the law community. I also missed out on that party, but I think the voice mail I got from Karen and Cole pretty much transported me there (seriously ladies, SO much giggling). CONGRATULATIONS, MOLLY!

In just a few days I am off to Wisconsin to celebrate Maggie's 30th and Beth's wedding. I am so excited to be heading home (yes, that would be my third "home" - what can I say?) and celebrating for the whole weekend. I am also bouncing in my chair at the thought of hanging out with my best friend for two whole days. Plus, I'm flying into Chicago and driving up to Wisconsin so I also get to see my folks and my sisters, all of whom are experiencing some changes of their own (Dad is weeks away from retirement, Rachel has moved home before heading to China in September, Lindsey is gearing up to move into an apartment with her best friend and Mom's dealing with all of that in one house).

I think I need to take a shower and all that good stuff. Happy Memorial Day everyone!

Unrelated

1. Yesterday a student acknowledged that I was speaking to her, but continued right on with what she was doing. When I addressed her again she yelled, "Damn! Just leave me alone!" Uhm...no, I don't think I will. Also, for anyone playing at home, moments like that (and the five minute conference that followed) make me question my career choice. Especially at the end of May.
   
2. A month or so ago, I woke up with a stiff neck. Tuesday night it had progressed to the point that I could not turn my head without experiencing extreme pain. Last night it was better, but this morning I was almost in tears as I ducked my head to sit in my car. Good thing I was able to get in to see my doctor this afternoon - I don't think I could take much more of this.
   
3. Having a faculty meeting from 3p-4p the Friday of Memorial Day weekend is just wrong. Wrong, I tell you.

Before anything, let me ask you this favor: the mother of the kids I babysit is having pretty extensive surgery today (to remove the cancerous part of her colon). She's young, the kids are really young (9,3,1) and the whole situation is scary and unfortunate. Please send your prayers and positive thoughts out into the universe on their behalf.

The school year is drawing to a close. The seniors transitioned off campus and into their internships on Friday, the remaining students are pushing every envelope and testing every boundary and the teachers are starting to look a little dazed. Must be nearing the end. (Sixteen days for the middle school, by the way.) With the seniors gone, I now teach from 8a-10:10am and from 2:55pm-3:45pm. Those five hours in the middle can get a little long, but mainly I've filled it with end-of-year tasks and lots of Civics prep. Plus I get tapped to sub ALL OF THE TIME, which is to be expected, but also really annoying.

The end of the year means lots of activities and things of that nature. Tonight is a cookout fundraiser, tomorrow is the spring football scrimmage, Thursday is the school musical. My first year I would have diligently attended every minute of every event, but this time around I'm probably going to skip the cookout, swing by the scrimmage and still go to the musical. There are moments when I think that this change in attendance is a bad sign, but the reality is that as much as I like my job and adore the students, I need to have my own life. Even if skipping the cookout just means I can go to the gym before going to Brian's and leaving the scrimmage early is simply so I can get some laundry done. My own life doesn't have to be exciting - just my own.

Saturday some friends of mine had a fundraiser bbq (they are starting a new nonprofit) and I was talking to another teacher from school. He has been at the school for seven, maybe eight, years and he is really good about setting limits. I think I'm getting there, but I know I have a long way to go. I want my students to be able to trust me and to have strong relationships with them, but I also want them to respect my space and my time. He and I both agreed that making that transition to a teacher with limits is hard, but necessary to avoid burnout. I feel like it's part of the process of growing up - my job is no longer my whole life (it always has been) - and that is a very strange existence for me.

In other news, my trip to LA is set. I am meeting Maggie at LAX on July 3rd for three days of vacation (yay!) and then I'm headed to San Diego on the morning of the 7th for my cousin Allison's wedding. (She and her fiance are all of 23 years old; it's a little gross.) My seminar starts on the evening of the 7th and runs through the morning of the 28th. It sounds like a lot of work, but also a lot of time to enjoy my surroundings. I mean, if I have to read lengthy constitutional foundation texts, I might as well do so on a hill overlooking LA, right? Plus, y'all know what a geek I am; I'm really excited about the readings and assignments. Brian is coming to visit the second weekend. This way, my month away is broken in half. He lived in LA for some time and has some really good friends out there so he'll visit with them for a few days while I'm in class and then we'll spend the weekend together. Good times all around, I think.

Achilles' heel

Last night, Brian and I were on the phone and he jokingly said I was a "pushover" when it comes to my students. I was not pleased, to say the least. I launched into this huge defense of myself and my actions and actually had to check myself when I heard my voice getting a little hysterical. Poor guy; he never saw it coming.

I knew he was joking, I know he thinks I am a great teacher and I still got upset. And even as I was talking with him, I knew it was because he hit a rather sore spot - my Achilles' heel, if you will. I got upset because, joking or not, he'd pointed out the biggest worry/frustration I have about myself as a teacher these days: that I am letting my kids get away with too much.

The truth is that I am tired of kids. Especially kids of the thirteen-year-old boy persuasion. Today in class, R blew up a balloon and let the air escape slowly, creating a prolonged squealing sound. I didn't even know what to say. I mean, I sent him into the hall and then I walked him through why what he did was wrong, but my heart wasn't in it. We are halfway through the 33rd week of school. Do I really have to explain to you why it is inappropriate to disrupt class in such a manner (or in any manner)? Really? Or why you can't hit each other in the face, even if you are just saying hello?

It's just getting harder and harder to fake it. And I'm struggling with the notion that I might simply be teaching my students that they can act however they want and still get what they need. The reality is that if you're rude and nasty and disrespectful, people aren't going to go out of their way to help you. And I'm willing to overlook a lot of that because we're talking about kids here, but still. Thirty-three weeks of being talked back to, cursed at/around, and essentially fighting for every scrap of learning opportunity is enough. I'm ready for a break.

But, regardless of how ready I may be, a break is still a ways off. So I have found myself letting things slide because I'm tired and sort of done and it is just easier. The problem is that I am not oblivious to this change in myself and I recognize that I am letting my students down in the process. And I sort of hate that about myself right now. So when someone calls me out on it, even in the most joking or loving manner, it speaks directly to that part of my subconscious that is most agitated by all of this and the rest of me lashes out to prevent those feelings from being validated. Human nature, of course, but still.

Those of you who teach get this, I know. You know that none of this means I won't give 110% to my students until the last day. You know that I'll continue to push them and encourage them and support them and that I'll do everything I can to help them be successful. It just means that I might be a little more frustrated at night and a little less enthusiastic in the morning. And sometimes, that's just the way it has to be. I still love my students and I still like my job, so I can't complain TOO much. Honest.