Achilles' heel

Last night, Brian and I were on the phone and he jokingly said I was a "pushover" when it comes to my students. I was not pleased, to say the least. I launched into this huge defense of myself and my actions and actually had to check myself when I heard my voice getting a little hysterical. Poor guy; he never saw it coming.

I knew he was joking, I know he thinks I am a great teacher and I still got upset. And even as I was talking with him, I knew it was because he hit a rather sore spot - my Achilles' heel, if you will. I got upset because, joking or not, he'd pointed out the biggest worry/frustration I have about myself as a teacher these days: that I am letting my kids get away with too much.

The truth is that I am tired of kids. Especially kids of the thirteen-year-old boy persuasion. Today in class, R blew up a balloon and let the air escape slowly, creating a prolonged squealing sound. I didn't even know what to say. I mean, I sent him into the hall and then I walked him through why what he did was wrong, but my heart wasn't in it. We are halfway through the 33rd week of school. Do I really have to explain to you why it is inappropriate to disrupt class in such a manner (or in any manner)? Really? Or why you can't hit each other in the face, even if you are just saying hello?

It's just getting harder and harder to fake it. And I'm struggling with the notion that I might simply be teaching my students that they can act however they want and still get what they need. The reality is that if you're rude and nasty and disrespectful, people aren't going to go out of their way to help you. And I'm willing to overlook a lot of that because we're talking about kids here, but still. Thirty-three weeks of being talked back to, cursed at/around, and essentially fighting for every scrap of learning opportunity is enough. I'm ready for a break.

But, regardless of how ready I may be, a break is still a ways off. So I have found myself letting things slide because I'm tired and sort of done and it is just easier. The problem is that I am not oblivious to this change in myself and I recognize that I am letting my students down in the process. And I sort of hate that about myself right now. So when someone calls me out on it, even in the most joking or loving manner, it speaks directly to that part of my subconscious that is most agitated by all of this and the rest of me lashes out to prevent those feelings from being validated. Human nature, of course, but still.

Those of you who teach get this, I know. You know that none of this means I won't give 110% to my students until the last day. You know that I'll continue to push them and encourage them and support them and that I'll do everything I can to help them be successful. It just means that I might be a little more frustrated at night and a little less enthusiastic in the morning. And sometimes, that's just the way it has to be. I still love my students and I still like my job, so I can't complain TOO much. Honest.