I am in one of the worst moods ever today. And I don't like to dump a lot of negativity onto this page, in part because then people send platitudes that, while nice, make me uncomfortable. Still, I need to get this out because I am bubbling over with frustration.
More than anything, I feel overwhelmed. And not in the way that motivates you to get things done efficiently. I'm overwhelmed in a sort of paralyzing way. In the way that makes you angry at the world and then makes you frustrated that you're irrationally angry. In the way that makes you start to cry in your car when you realize you left your lunch in the house and makes you cry harder when you realize you're ruining your makeup the day of Back to School night. In the way that makes it nearly impossible for you to get up in the morning, to stay alert all day, to not collapse onto the couch as soon as you walk in the door.
Today I drove to work (45 minutes - another stellar commute) in silence because I the radio was agitating me. I don't want to talk to people. I want quiet. Really, I want a do-over, but since those aren't possible, I'll settle for a chance to get things back on track.
I am swamped at work. I work all day every day and I am still nowhere near caught up with things. I always feel like I'm scrambling to get things done. I teach three classes every two days, which means that I teach between 11 and 13 hours each week. You'd think I'd have plenty of time to get everything done. And yet...
I was at work until 7:30pm last Friday and still brought 4 hours of work home with me. I am days behind on grading in all of my classes. I need to write a Performance Based Assessment by Monday and I don't have anything done beyond the final product. I spent an entire hour yesterday cutting bookmarks for Back to School night. Last week, I spent a total of at least 8 hours collecting and placing an order of polo shirts for faculty. I have been at school until 7p, 8p, 9p more times than I care to remember in the last two weeks. I spend at least 6 hours a week meeting with and observing members of my department. I spend 4 hours a week in team meetings - usually after the work day ends. I spend between 10-15 hours a week on grad school assignments. I spend three hours a week at water aerobics, trying to get myself in some sort of functional shape. Plus, you know, I'm also trying to plan a wedding and have some semblance of a life.
Anyway, I wish I could do September over. Although I'm not sure what I'd change. I'm hoping October brings a little more calm to my life. Because, honestly, I cannot imagine making it through a whole year like this...at least not with any of my sanity or relationships in tact.
Hope fall is treating all of you a little better! Sorry for the rant.
1 comment:
Jess, not sure if this makes you feel better or not but everyone at my school feels like we have started out the school year on the wrong foot. Long story but there is some issues going on with our district. It makes it hard to be positive about your job. So no uplifting words from me but a big I understand.
But I do have some uplifting words from me when we were 21 in college working towards our teaching degrees. Remember that we wanted to become teachers to make a difference and even though it doesnt seem that way often we do make a difference. Those kids are lucky to have you because you are good at what you do (now if only we can ignore all the dumb stuff that makes our jobs harder). Now go watch an episode of Friends (and that could be said now or when we were 21...Friends is always a good uplifter!).
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