Unsustainable

I am in one of the worst moods ever today. And I don't like to dump a lot of negativity onto this page, in part because then people send platitudes that, while nice, make me uncomfortable. Still, I need to get this out because I am bubbling over with frustration.

More than anything, I feel overwhelmed. And not in the way that motivates you to get things done efficiently. I'm overwhelmed in a sort of paralyzing way. In the way that makes you angry at the world and then makes you frustrated that you're irrationally angry. In the way that makes you start to cry in your car when you realize you left your lunch in the house and makes you cry harder when you realize you're ruining your makeup the day of Back to School night. In the way that makes it nearly impossible for you to get up in the morning, to stay alert all day, to not collapse onto the couch as soon as you walk in the door.

Today I drove to work (45 minutes - another stellar commute) in silence because I the radio was agitating me. I don't want to talk to people. I want quiet. Really, I want a do-over, but since those aren't possible, I'll settle for a chance to get things back on track.

I am swamped at work. I work all day every day and I am still nowhere near caught up with things. I always feel like I'm scrambling to get things done. I teach three classes every two days, which means that I teach between 11 and 13 hours each week. You'd think I'd have plenty of time to get everything done. And yet...

I was at work until 7:30pm last Friday and still brought 4 hours of work home with me. I am days behind on grading in all of my classes. I need to write a Performance Based Assessment by Monday and I don't have anything done beyond the final product. I spent an entire hour yesterday cutting bookmarks for Back to School night. Last week, I spent a total of at least 8 hours collecting and placing an order of polo shirts for faculty. I have been at school until 7p, 8p, 9p more times than I care to remember in the last two weeks. I spend at least 6 hours a week meeting with and observing members of my department. I spend 4 hours a week in team meetings - usually after the work day ends. I spend between 10-15 hours a week on grad school assignments. I spend three hours a week at water aerobics, trying to get myself in some sort of functional shape. Plus, you know, I'm also trying to plan a wedding and have some semblance of a life.

Anyway, I wish I could do September over. Although I'm not sure what I'd change. I'm hoping October brings a little more calm to my life. Because, honestly, I cannot imagine making it through a whole year like this...at least not with any of my sanity or relationships in tact.

Hope fall is treating all of you a little better! Sorry for the rant.

Saying good-bye to summer

Today was the last day of my summer vacation (sadly, the boat above is JFK's, not mine). To be fair, it was also the third day of my summer vacation, but three is better than zero. Students came back yesterday, but only sixth and seventh graders - my students will not start school for another eight days - so my principal encouraged me to take some time. I thought I would spend it relaxing and doing some work, but tomorrow I will return my bags to school, having never even opened them. Instead I did things I enjoy. I ran small errands. I bought a handful of new clothes and a pair of purple flats. I spent a morning in Annapolis. I got a haircut. I ate Indian food. I bought flowers at a farmer's market. I watched tv. I talked with my best friend. I slept in. I gave myself a manicure. And I read. I read on the Annapolis city dock, eating pumpkin bread and listening to the bay. I read in my bed, when I would normally be on my way to work, listening as a cool breeze rustled the tree outside our window. I read by the pool, milking every last minute of the freedom that was so wonderfully mine over the last few days.

In between my first day of vacation and my second and third days, Brian and I went to Chicago. We left Friday afternoon and returned on Sunday. Ostensibly, we went home to welcome Rachel back to the States and to celebrate my grandparents' sixtieth wedding anniversary. But we also went home because my grandfather is pretty sick and it was very important to my mom that we have this mini family reunion of sorts. It was really good to see everyone and fun to watch my sisters reunited and clearly still enamored with each other (in this way that only twins can be, I think). And I never pass at a chance to spend time with my grandparents; we are remarkably different people, but they are the most sincere and loving people I know. The visit was hard too. My grandpa has always been quiet, but there is a different aura to his silence now. He carries himself differently, people react differently to him, and more than once I caught him concentrating on his arms, rubbing them as if that could make the bruises go away. This was the first trip in a long time where I had a hard time saying good bye to my parents at the airport and I could not sleep at all our first night back. I'm a little better now, but it's a strange thing, getting older, watching your role models get older still.

Tomorrow, I will dive, headfirst, back into the world of meetings and lesson plans and observations. I will say good-bye to the shorts and flip-flops I love so much and, like so many of my friends have already done, I will go back to school. Summer's really over.

small victories

I know that many of you that read this blog are active, healthy people. I was once too. Sort of. To be honest, I was never one of those people who enjoyed working out. Or even being super active. I played soccer in high school and loved swimming as a kid, but that's all really. I've never understood people who say that working out makes them feel better, but I do know that working out made me feel better about myself and that was something.

When I hurt my back I lost all motivation to be active. I can't really explain it, but when the simple movements required to get through the day (bending to plug in your laptop, crossing your foot over your knee to tie your shoes, reaching across the backseat of the car to retrieve an umbrella) cause you pain and discomfort, the thought of actual exercise seems ridiculous. I would have moments and try, after all I herniated those discs nearly two years ago, but it would hurt too much or be too hard and I would be too busy with work and school to keep trying. This week, with eleven months to go until the wedding and me feeling more and more gross about my physical self, I decided that enough was enough. This month, my goal is to run on the elliptical for 30 minutes three times a week.

I did it. More than that, though, today was the first time since I got hurt that I ran a mile in under 15 minutes. I know that sounds lame, but you have to consider the circumstances. And that, even when I was running every day after work, I still never went faster than maybe 9 minutes/mile. So today, I celebrate this little victory. And share it with all of you. And hope you won't mock how out of shape I am.

Five things

First and foremost, I have to publicly congratulate Molly and Eric, whose daughter Layla Cadiz was born this morning. I have only seen pictures, but just like the children of my other friends, I am already in love. Congratulations on the newly expanded family, Molly & Eric!

Second, I am back at work. Not that I ever left, but I am now back working for the 2009-2010 school year. It was a long week of meetings and planning, but not so bad. Ask me how I feel about it again when we're two weeks into planning time and still have a week or so to go.

Third, I have this HUGE paper due for grad school on Sunday. I have had two weeks to work on it and I have done next to nothing so far. Brian has a softball tournament this weekend so I'm planning to bang it out in the next two days. It'll get done and it'll be fine, but I'm a little worried that I'll wave goodbye to my 4.0 GPA this semester. In more positive grad school news, I am now more than halfway through my master's program - after this one ends (in 1.5 weeks), only 4 more to go.

Fourth, I had my first crazy bride moment last weekend. A few weeks ago I thought I found the perfect bridesmaid dress at Macy's. It was a nice purple, bright and vivid, which I want. But then, after telling everyone all about it, I started to second guess myself. So I sent Maggie to a bridal shop in Wausau to check another option. She gave a preliminary thumbs-up, so Brian and I went to Upper Marlboro, MD to look. And it was there, standing amongst the mirrors and finery, that I looked at my dear fiance and asked, with no sense of irony in my voice, which color he liked more - the eggplant or the grape. G-d bless him for not laughing in my face.

Fifth, Brian's friends and their 3 year old daughter are visiting us from LA next week. Visiting us and staying in our (admittedly overcrowded) guest room. I am really looking forward to seeing them and hanging out with them and their daughter. Plus, in honor of their visit, I took next Friday off, which is definitely something to look forward to.

Happy weekending!

In the spirit of giving back

As some of you know, my best friend Maggie lost her mom last month. You may also know that Maggie works for the Boys & Girls Club of Wausau, Wisconsin. In honor of her mom, and in remembrance of her mom's volunteer work with the club, Maggie is hoping to raise at least $1000 to sponsor 50 (!) annual memberships for children whose families cannot afford the $20/year fee. I think this is a wonderful way not only to honor Sue's memory, but to continue her legacy of helping others.

If you're interested in helping out, you can easily donate (any amount) at the site below:

http://www.firstgiving.com/maggiebrown

Thanks and much love to each of you!

Always a new day

The last two days, one of my independent reading students has been driving me crazy. He is off-task, loud, silly, and completely unrepentant. And, truthfully, he is one of my favorites. But not this week. As of the end of class yesterday I was out of patience for him. Imagine then, the look on my face as he came barrelling towards my car at 8am this morning, basketball in hand, iPod headphones flying behind him, shirt untucked, shoes untied. He was a mess. But he had the goofiest grin on his face so I composed my own face and greeted him. With no small amount of pride in his voice he declared that he studied last night for today's quiz on Seedfolks, our current novel. As the smile threatened to take over his face, he told me he felt very confident about this quiz and, as if to emphasize the point, bounced the basketball along with each word. I told him I was glad to hear it and he nodded enthusiastically and ran off for the basketball court without another word.

Sometimes my job makes me scream. And sometimes, like this morning, it makes me laugh. In a good way. Because....really?

A night just for me

Since Brian is down at the beach for the week, I thought I would dedicate this Tuesday night to all of the things I like. I spent an hour at Target, have an Amy's spinach pizza in the oven, and I'm going to watch "Say Yes to the Dress" while I eat dinner. I also have laundry going and just downloaded photos to update here and on FB. And I plan on being asleep by 10pm. I miss Brian and never like it when he is gone, but I must admit that I'm pretty excited with my night as I have planned it.

So...what have I been up to in the last month? Read on, dear readers...

The 2008-2009 school year officially ended on June 19th. Hooray! The week of June 22nd we welcomed our incoming students, including rising sixth graders for the very first time. I taught generic social studies to four groups of sixth grade girls for the week and mostly loved it. No real attitude at that age...one of my girls turned eleven during our week of classes. Eleven. On our last day together, we toured Bowie State University. Below is a picture of some of the girls as they listen to the tour guide (and I promise that I did not pose them).
That Sunday, my parents arrived for a week of vacation in the DC area. We had a great time visiting the Capital Hill area (below, the Capitol and a banner at the Library of Congress)...

...eating local specialties (my dad's platter at a crab shack on the Delaware River)
...and enjoying the great weather (no explanation needed for this photo).
We also got rained out of an Orioles game, toured the wedding location, and caught the local 4th of July fireworks. But my parents have all of those photos.

The day after my parents headed back to Chicago, I started my job teaching summer school to middle school students. From 9am until 12pm, I teach an independent reading course to eleven 7th and 8th grade boys and girls; we read The House on Mango Street for the first 90 minutes and then they read and reflect on a book of their choosing for the last 90 minutes. After lunch, I teach life sciences to two 7th grade boys. Below are the boys posing with the cell cakes we made last week (I made the cakes, they "decorated" them with the correct organelles).
Last Thursday, Brian and I celebrated the fact that there was exactly one year until our wedding. Brian took to calling it our "reverse-ary" and since it was a special occasion, I convinced him to take a photo. See below.
This past weekend we had a crazy chaotic trip to Wisconsin to visit some of my friends. It was a much more complicated journey than I anticipated, but the time with my friends made me feel a million times more like myself. And that is always great. The rest of the summer will fly by, I'm sure. There's 2.5 weeks of summer school left and then I have a weekend before heading back for leadership training and the start of 2009-2010. This coming weekend there is a very quick trip to the Outer Banks to share the end of Brian's beach time. I can hardly believe it is mid-July already.

Hope each of you is enjoying your summer as well.