No one's perfect

Today, I'm taking solace in something Maya Angelou once said and I thought I'd share it here:

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes-it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all.

Journal, it's just you and me; let's make this work

I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry for that. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed and so I don't feel compelled to write. And in a few other ways, there have been subtle shifts in my mindset that I want to expore, but can't find the words in which to do so. But with a night alone and my grading done, I thought I'd give it a try.


A quick health update goes something like this: I started physical therapy just before Thanksgiving and while I know it will help in the long run, I am not seeing results as of yet. Unless you call discomfort and soreness a result. I had my second steroid epidural block a week and a half ago. It seemed to be helping on days one and two, but Sunday I suffered a setback and the last few days have been a mixture of feeling sort of okay and hurting so much that I just want to be very still - only lying down is also uncomfortable. This whole process is so frustrating, not only because my body is consistently failing me, but because it is a non-visible injury that continues to impede everything I do (the non-visible part comes into play b/c I feel like people think I am "better" and don't get why I am still taking time off, being slow and tired, etc). I am exhausted at the end of each day and if the pain is too great, I don't sleep well (the last few nights being excellent examples) so I am also tired during the following day. It is hard to find the energy needed to be a good teacher when you feel like you need to devote all of your energy to just functioning through the day. It's just making me irritated and sad.

Work is also irritating and sad. There is some conversation amongst adults, but pretty much everyone is in their own worlds just trying to make it through. Or, at least, that's my perception, which might be colored by the fact that I'm not around as much as usual. Still, it's not a very fun place to be right now. And, with seven school days left until winter break, the kids aren't making it any easier. Today, when I was redirecting my sixth period (seventh graders) one student said, "Well, you get paid even if we don't learn, so..." It was heart-wrenching, but it also makes me wonder. Do they actually perceive teachers as adults just sticking it out to collect the money? Or do they know that's a weak spot for really dedicated teachers (like the ones at my school) and use lines like that to push on the weak spot, hoping it will break? Or did they just say it, not even thinking about what it means? Either way, the answer's a sad one.

I don't know. I think a break will help. I think going back to Chicago for Christmas will help. I think going to Madison in January will help. I think having time to myself to think about things and figure out what I want and where I'm at will make a difference. To be clear, it's not like I'm depressed or even really sad. More than anything I just feel the urge to yell out loud. Taken all together, my life is really great, but the feeling I'm getting from it right now is not such a good one. More than anything, I think this current funk is a storm I need to weather. So I continue to duck my head and push on - all the while trying to keep good perspective on it all.

Thanks Giving

I was going to blog about the stresses in my life, but I decided to delete that entry and, in honor of the holiday and the season it ushers in, I thought I would focus on the positive and post the things I am thankful for (without commentary - recognize how hard that was for me). It's a list both serious and lighthearted, but it is all true.

This year, I am thankful for (in ABC order):

• Brian
• cable tv
• college sports
• coworkers who care
• Dad's happy retirement
• Date Lab in The Washington Post
• days off
• fall season
• gourmet food shops
• happy hours
• health insurance
• Kara and Chris living down the road
• lazy weekend mornings
• Lindsey's visit
• the love of my family
• marathon phone calls with Maggie
• Mom's good health
• peppermint hot chocolate
• Rachel's blog
• regular manicures
• roommate emails
• savings accounts
• sneakers
• supportive, loving, loyal friends
• weekly dinners with Elizabeth

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving: the family; friends; food; football and relaxation.

In short

I am sorry it has been so long between posts. I wish I had an exciting reason, like I was jet-setting around the globe and couldn't find the time or I was backpacking through the mountains with no Internet access, but the truth is much less glamorous. My average, day-to-day life has just been pretty overwhelming of late, but with it being more of the same, I don't feel the urge to talk about it. Still, I know an update is long overdue, so here it is, in short.

1. My back, which went out over a month ago, was diagnosed as two herniated discs in my lower spine. This week I went to a pain management clinic and had anti-inflammatory steroids injected into the area via an epidural. It was the most uncomfortable and painful (without there being PAIN pain) five minute procedure of my life. But now, two days later, while I still can't bend over, crouch down or twist without discomfort, I can move around a lot easier, sit for a lot longer and sleep a lot better. Physical therapy starts soon and lasts 6-8 weeks and there may be 1-2 more epidural blocks in my near future, but the hope is that I'll be back to nearly 100% by the new year. Here's hoping...
2. My sister came to visit last week. She got in Wednesday night and stayed through Sunday afternoon. It was, as always, wonderful to see her and hang out. When I met her at the airport there were HUGE smiles and big hugs and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of jumping for joy. She also came to school with me on Thursday and since she has been before (and since she is so cool - what with the technicolor hair and all) she has developed a bit of a following. It was fun to watch.
3. Jeff was also in town last week, for almost the same time period as my sister. We hung out Friday night and Saturday afternoon and it was good to see him again. It's nice to spend time with people who knew you in another life. I'm thrilled with the person I am now and wouldn't change much in my current life, but it's always nice to get to slip back into a totally different past life. Plus, it's nice to see my college friends, any of them, growing comfortable with their adult selves. If any of that makes any sense at all, then points to you.
4. Work is crazy, emotional, intense and hard. My seniors are mostly awesome and I have grown, as always, to love my relationships with them (even if they aren't as close as they have been in the past). My seventh graders are killing me, but I'm not giving in just yet. If they want to fight me, I have no intention of backing down. There have been more reflections and referrals this week than in the last six weeks combined, but I feel okay about that. I slacked a bit while I was feeling really down and I am paying for it now, but, come hell or high water, we will get things back in gear by Winter Break. Just in time to relearn it all again in the new year. ::sigh:: Other than the kids, the adults at work are stressful too. It's such an emotionally taxing job and there have been so many changes and there are so many women and it's all just boiling over right now. People were literally in tears at our last professional development session. You can all probably guess how much I loved that. Anyway, I'm still thinking about and looking for other employment opportunities. If you think of anything great, let me know; I'm all ears at this point.
5. I'm not going home for Thanksgiving this year. I am sad about that, especially since I didn't get to make it back for my uncle's funeral last month (I was confined to bed b/c of my back that week), but I know it's for the best. One, two 2-hour flights in the span of 3-4 days would not be great for my back. Two, travel with that little turn-around time is rough (as witnessed when I went back last year). And three, flights for Thanksgiving are EXPENSIVE and I'm already spending $250 for Christmas and another $300 for Brian and I to fly to Madison for Dave's wedding in January. Still, it will be sad to not be with my family and I know my grandma wants me to be there. Luckily, Thanksgiving with Brian's rather large family will keep me occupied (and entertained) enough to enjoy what is one of my favorite holidays. Hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving as well.

Maybe there's more, but I actually think that covers most of it for now. And I should probably do some prep for my upcoming classes (although I did a lot last night, lest you think I have become one of those teachers). Have a very happy week's end and enjoy what is looking to be a true late-fall weekend (at least here in DC)!

Sterility takes time

Do you how long it takes to disinfect four buildings, including two dormitories? Me neither, but it must be a pretty long time. Kids went home last night and aren't coming back until Sunday night. Staff has to be back for previously scheduled professional development Friday. It's like a mini-fall break! Sweet.

Happy staph day

No error in the title. A student at school was diagnosed with a staph infection (there's been an outbreak in our area) so they sent the kids home tonight and are disinfecting everything tomorrow. Can't even get onto campus tomorrow. Don't have to tell me twice.

In the loop

Just a quick update and then back to grading...

I got my MRI results on Friday and it turns out that I have a herniated disc in my lower back. I have to get lumbar xrays and go see a neurologist about the next course of action. The options include physical therapy, steroid injections and/or surgery. Unfortunately, that appointment isn't for another two weeks so, for now, the course of action seems to involve a lot of bed rest, a little time with the heating pad and a refill on my pain medication. But I am feeling better; I was at work Tues-Fri and while I was exhausted come Friday, it was important to go back. I imagine the next few weeks will be awfully rough, but I'm hopeful things will be better soon. We'll just have to wait and see I suppose.

Other than that, not a whole lot is going on here. The weekend has been incredibly relaxing and fun; a lot of time lounging around, reading, laughing and watching tv. And this morning there were pancakes (yum!). Having fun plans, going out on the weekend, etc is always nice, but there is something special (and good) about doing nothing for two whole days. Hope you're enjoying yours as well.