strange

I just finished reading Ines Of My Soul, the latest book by Isabel Allende and thought it would be good to get out of the house (having only left for a few hours this morning to grade at the coffee shop). I figured I would go see a movie, as I love seeing movies alone - I consider it a real treat to sit quietly, eat popcorn and allow myself to be completely engrossed in the action/drama/jokes/etc. But when I got to listings online I discovered that, although there are several movies out that I would like to see, I have no motivation to see any of them tonight. Alone. Strange how that works sometimes.

So since I'm not headed out to the cinema, I may as well give a quick recap of my adventures in the Midwest.

Going home is always such a mixture of emotions. From the moment I land in Chicago to the moment I land in DC I am filled with otherwise conflicting emotions that seem content to coexist within me, much to the distress of my mind. How can one person be so happy in one place and yet so hesitant to return? How can one feel so much love and understanding and yet, at the same time, like an outsider? It is a paradox of emotions that I suspect I will feel each time I return and it is not one I regret, but something that makes me wonder about the workings of our minds and hearts. It is these types of incongruencies that I love in people.

I got to spend one whole day with my mom, which I loved. Her hair is growing back after her chemo and to all others she appears to be another older woman with a short and sassy cut (especially wearing the new silver hoops my dad bought her). She went without her wig the whole time we were at the mall and even though she sometimes slipped on her knit cap, I was so proud of her. And I don't mean that in a condescending way - I have always admired my mom, but this past year has shown me just how strong and brave and amazing she really is.

I also got to go out to dinner with just my parents. It is not often that we get to do this even though it is those moments I most appreciate. Just sitting and talking and joking and enjoying great food (in this case, pretty damn fine barbeque for the north side of Chicago) - it's how I wish I could spend all of my nights and what I miss most about not living with/near my family. Plus, my parents have been married for 30 years and their love is still palpable to those around them. Even though I sometimes want to smack my dad for not letting my mom do anything for herself (and my mom for letting him do it) and my mom's moodiness makes me want to shake even as my dad goes on unaffected, they clearly are each other's everything and I think I am pretty lucky to have parents who have always been that way.

Christmas with the grandparents was just as strange as Thanksgiving. My grandma is truly beside herself trying to deal with my mom's and now my uncle's cancer. It was a quieter, smaller Christmas, but still a great one. Having my (second) cousin Brianna there brought a lot of laughter to the gathering (she's a born entertainer, I think). My uncle stopped by as we were finishing dinner (called lunch by you "city folk") and the sight of him literally made me stop in my tracks. I mean, this man has always been larger than life to me. Both literally (he's well over 6 feet and has always been big) and figuratively (his laughter and voice would not be mislabelled as "booming"). And there he was, surgical mask in place to protect him from any germs, still tall, but shrunken and whispery. My mom had warned me saying, "it is truly just a matter of time," but I still didn't expect it. He sat in the den with my mom, my dad, my other uncle, my aunts and my grandparents - the first time my mom has seen him since he was diagnosed. There is, as always, some drama surrounding all of this (people act in unimaginable ways when grieving), but overall I am glad we got to see him. The whole day was surreal, but not bad - I talked more with my grandpa than I ever have in my life, my cousin and his girlfriend are patient and loving parents to a wonderful little girl and the faith and love of my family is truly amazing.

My favorite family moment came on Christmas Eve. After Mass (which was awesome, aside from the giggling, ridiculous teenaged boys behind us) and dinner, my parents, sisters and I sat in the living room and took turns opening our gifts. It took about two hours, not becuase there were so many gifts, but because we kept stopping to tease and laugh and tell stories. I have said it again and again, but I am blessed to have been born into my family.

But my week in the Midwest wasn't all about family and Christmas. I also spent three days in Madison, visiting with old friends. Madison has changed a lot and it was weird to be there. On Friday night I walked around the downtown/campus area and was struck by a sense of melancholy. Perhaps it was nostalgia. It wasn't because so much has changed, but because, even if it hadn't - even if everything had been just as it was when I left Madison in 2003 - it still wouldn't have been what it once was. Contrary to what the song says, sometimes you can't go back. Not that that is always a bad thing. I love Madison for what it was, but I wouldn't want to go back there. Not now. And I had so much fun while I was there last week. Coffee with Alison at Sunroom, lunch and shopping with Maggie and Steph on the east side of town, lunch and shopping with Cole and Karen and Marcia on State Street - it was full of laughter and food and gossip and memories and happiness. I'd be lying to say I don't miss my friends and the ease of our get togethers something awful when I am back home in DC. (In fact, the best moment may have been just sitting in the Union with Cole, Karen and Marcia talking about everything and nothing until we noticed how much time had gone by and had to part ways.)

I also got together with some high school friends. I hasd Mexcian food and margaritas with Kara, Katie and their significant others one afternoon. We shared stories (old - those poor boys have heard the same stories from Hurely, VA a million times over - and new) and drank and were served by the same woman who has been our waitress at that restaurant since we were high schoolers who couldn't order anything more exciting than a virgin daiquiri with our burritos!

I also went for Korean bbq with Mijin, Wendy, Noah and Zo (and Yasmin and Joe, who I didn't know as well) and then we met Brandon, Shruti and Nilay for drinks. These get togethers are always so different from my Wisconsin ones and yet still so much fun. When I think of all the years Mijin, Wendy and I have spent laughing at those boys.... They did not disappoint this time either. One day, some women are going to be awfully lucky to land those guys (and the guys? they'll be shocked at their good fortune, of course). Wendy and Mijin continue to be the irrepressible, hilarious and compassionate people I befriended in high school. I don't know when I last laughed so hard or felt so at ease (other than the few days prior, when I'd been in WI). Jo and I, who have now been friends for nearly half our lives (think about that!), met for lunch on my last day in Chicago. Many things have changed for both of us and our friendship is nothing like it once was, but it is still strong and good and it was so nice to sit at the lunch counter on Cicero and chat about our lives and our families, just like always.

This post clearly took on a life of its own and I find myself ending in a much different place than I imagined. Not a bad place though - I hope you agree. And I hope that your holidays were also filled with love and laughter and good food and great memories!