some days the shine is off

Most days I find my students entertaining and enjoyable, even when other adults may find them a bit trying. But then there are days when the shine has worn off and I have no patience for their rudeness, their lack of effort and their nonchalance. Today is one of the latter. Probably doesn't help that I'm tired and it is raining for the third day in a row. ::sigh:: Just six more hours to push through. Happy Monday, all.

lackluster

Lately, I have been feeling very blah. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I was writing earlier and I think I came across it. I know that I am loved and appreciated and the like, but lately I feel very run of the mill and that’s lame. Everyone wants to feel special, even if it is only in their small-time, everyday life. I suspect at least some of you will agree.

I'm not drinking the Kool-aid, just checking it out...

(Cole, this update will sound eerily familiar, but Starbucks is closing soon and I'm just going to somewhat alter the update I just sent you...seems good enough for now.)

My work prospects have taken an unexpected turn. Two weeks ago I met with my principal about next year and fully expected to tell her I would not be returning. After all, this year has been pretty awful and I can't imagine another year of screaming into the wind (what I feel like I am doing most days). Before I could really say much she offered me a reduced teaching load (3 classes - no new preps & only 12th grade) plus department chair/instructional coach, which comes with a position on the academic leadership team. Definitely not what I was anticipating. While I'm not really thrilled at the prospect of being in that school environment again, it is a hard offer to refuse. Mostly, I feel like it is an incredible opportunity - one not many other people would give a 27 year old without a master's - and it would enable me to finish out 5 years of teaching, which seems like a good baseline for other jobs. Plus, while there are plenty of jobs out there that I can do, there haven't really been any that I am really excited about (save a museum job that I wasn't qualified for). And, as much as I want to tear my hair out at work, I am committed to the school and the students so I kind of like the idea of giving it another go. That being said, this year hasn't done a lot to instill confidence in me. But then I go back to the plus side of things and, as mentioned above, there are a number of them. So, as hard as it is for me to believe, I am seriously considering putting in one more year. I just might be crazy...

In other news it is finally spring break. No alarm clock, no bedtime, plenty of books and tv time - it's fantastic. Today I got a pedicure, browsed the mall and had lunch with my friend Amy. It was perfect. This break - full of just about nothing - is well-timed and well-deserved, I'd say. Tomorrow my only goal is to enjoy some time in the fleeting sun and get more rest. Hope you all are enjoying the beginning of spring (even if it doesn't look or feel like it just yet).

My "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" morning

I sit on a teacher assistance committee at school. On Monday I forgot about our weekly meeting (which I missed the two weeks prior b/c of PT). This morning I volunteered to meet with our committee head and a teacher who needed strategy help with a certain student. The meeting was at 8am so I figured I would leave by 7:15a and be okay.

I just got to work (at 8:37a).

Sometime last night we lost power. Brian woke up to blinking numbers and reset the clock, but was an hour short. I woke up at 6:52am, although the clock said it was 5:52a. I rushed through a shower and was in my car at 7:21a. Not too shabby, maybe I would be a few minutes late; they probably wouldn't start right at 8a anyway. Then it took me one hour and fifteen minutes to get to work. Seventy-five minutes. I work 18 miles from our house. If I'm doing my math right, that means I averaged about 4 miles an hour this morning.

I briefly checked email before signing on here and two emails from friends nearly brought me to tears. I feel like this year at work has been one thing after another. I feel like even when I have the best of intentions and plans, I end up letting people down. And those of you who know me well know that the thing I worry about the most is letting people down. I hate that feeling more than just about anything else. And this year has been chock-full of that feeling at work. This morning is just one more example.

So I haven't eaten breakfast, my back is a total wreck (from all the sitting in the car), I missed the meeting and I'm all stressed out about it. I guess the "glass half-full" perspective could be that the worst is over for the day. I'll try to keep that in mind as I try to shake this off and move on with my day. Happy hump day, all.

Fifteen minute reprieve

I have papers to grade and lecture notes to review, but I also have a fresh cup of tea and the need for a short session with all of you. Can't promise much, but here we go all the same.

Spring seems to be springing in DC. I doubt it lasts too long, but it is in the mid to upper sixties here this week and I am so grateful. Not that it is overly sunny or balmy (lots of clouds and wind), but the warmth gives me hope. Yesterday I left work at 5p and went with my friend Andie for dinner outside. We set up on 8th Street and enjoyed warm weather, cold beer and good conversation for nearly two hours. It was much needed and appreciated.

I am hoping that the change in season ushers in a change in attitude for me as well. You know the old adage, "If you can't say anything nice..."? I have been following it a lot lately and, as such, find myself without much to say. Airing grievances about my situation to people who can't do anything about it is just complaining and I am tired of complaining. Plus, for me at least, complaining only serves to make me more agitated (as Brian can verify) so I'm just trying to make it through the next few months. I don't have much confidence that I would get any real result from talking with admin, so I pretty much just put my head down and get back to work and am grateful for every little moment of joy my students provide. I am already anticipating how hard it will be to say good-bye to them, but I know that is time for me to leave this place. I can't fight the same fights and keep seeing no results.

And so I find myself, twenty-seven years old and applying for jobs for only the second time in my life. I found an amazing job opening for a program director at the new Capital Visitor Center, but it is a government job and I don't meet the pay grade requirements. I applied anyway, but the handy online application program let me know that I "failed to meet basic requirements," which is a humbling phrase if there ever was one. It's too bad too, because I think I'm pretty well qualified to develop programs and exhibit content on civics and US government for students and the general public, but I guess my lack of a master's in public affairs says otherwise. ::sigh:: There are some other jobs on the horizon, but none that have me as excited as this non-opportunity did. Still, I have four months until I am out of a job, so I'm staying optimistic.

We all go through this

This point in our lives where we really don't have anything to report. It's where I've been for awhile, mostly because the only thing I ever feel like reporting on is work and I really don't want to be that girl. But now I have some fun things to share (courtesy of my sister) and I figured I'd do a very brief update as well.

Relationship

I'm officially all moved in and Brian and I just celebrated our one-year anniversary, which is a bit surreal. It is also wonderful and, at times, a bit overwhelming. For all the resilence with which I dated, etc when I first got to DC, I never imagined I'd really find someone I wanted to spend considerable time with and now I find myself in a relationship I can't imagine ending. Many of you will understand this feeling, I imagine, but it's new for me.

Work

Nothing new, really. It's basically a matter of survival at this point. The seventh graders are less than joyful, which is doubly sad for me because I truly love that age. I don't know. I teach because I get so much satisfaction from helping students learn and this year, especially with my middle schoolers, I don't feel like they are learning. I feel like I am failing at my job and, what makes it worse, I don't feel like any of the higher ups will do anything to step in. When I raise concerns, I am told that I am doing great and that's why no one observes me, etc. If I'm doing great, then... Anyway, I'm applying to about five jobs at the moment - one of which I am really excited about (programming for the new Capital Visitor Center) and none of which involve teaching in the traditional sense. We'll see.

Other stuff

My sister is doiong a photo project for my parents and in the process she found two photos that she thought I would appreciate. The first one, a photo of me at about 2 years, made me shake my head a little, although, not to stereotype, but I wonder how many of my midwestern friends have similar photos in their photo albums or stories in their family history:

The second picture made me gasp a little. People have long told me that I look like my mom and I have seen some resemblance, but never anything like this old picture shows. The photo is of my mom when she was around my age, give or take a year or two. Check it out for yourself:

Well, it's time to get out of bed and get ready for the day. Hope you all are doing well!

Update

A few new photos are up, not many, but my seniors presented some research last night and I'm proctoring an exam this morning...